flipping fear

fear . . .
is hard to catch.
it is a presence
that makes itself known
unmistakably known
but sometimes
it is vague
and ghostly
hiding
preferring
to stay in the shadows . . . .
sometimes it taunts me
sometimes it shows up when
I literally cannot take time to listen . .
seems to knows that
counts on that
so I am learning
to tame
draw out
wait on
my fear.
When it would show up on the way to teach school,
my eyes would catch my eyes
haunted in the visor touch up mirror . . . .
~ I am going to teach 22 college students
about the importance of a fixed station point
showing copies of Albretcht Durer’s drawing inventions
I have to demo 3 different ways to draw
and eludicate the learning objective outcomes
then draw and problem solve one on one with each of them
then I have a 4:00 meeting with the Associate Dean.
I cannot enter into a memory based trauma
I cannot be confused and vulnerable right now.
I will have to postpone and listen later.
but that did not work.
later was too vague and wispy
and too much like not being believed again.
So then I began to say, I WILL listen fully
when I come back. What can I do right now
in the next 15 min to feel safe?
and the answer would come.
and the truth would strenghten and realign me.
and now I say
I will not judge myself
I will not condemn myself
I will not brush my fears aside,
because they truly mean something.
I will listen.
I will view my fears differently . .
not as inconvenient pests
the “wholely fuck not this again” response
but rather a quiet ~ I hear you I see you I will LISTEN~
and I tell you
it is way more productive and fruitful. . . .
because I have found in my childlike fears . . .
great wisdom
great truth
and a great instinctual compass
to reset my course
into uncharted territory.
It is like unpacking a treasure.
So I will not apologize nor avoid it
but rather befriend it.
I like adventure.
I like excitement
and I like exploring.
and I need access to all of me.
We listen on many levels
we pick up way more information
than we are fully conscious of.
I want my internal awareness
working fully for me
not edited
cut off or disconnected.
If I can successfully uncover
and integrate more of my “hidden~ness”
I believe I will grow more nimble
to navigate my way in this world.
and this is one of the best things about Life
always there are new areas to learn
new adventures
new challenges and places to go.
Life is full of surprizes.

flipping fear

evon ski

Joined June 2009

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