Satire: Capital Punishment

A pressing issue since somewhere around the mid-80’s, capital punishment has been the subject of much argument and debate. Over the years, issues such as cost-effectiveness, morality, and general ickiness have been discussed in both state and federal legislatures, but no conclusive decision about the matter has been made. That may very well change in the coming years, all because of one man – a man they call ‘Dubya’.

To find out exactly what President Gee Dubya really thinks about capital punishment, we sent our Washington D.C. correspondent, whom we shall refer to as “Big A." At Thursday’s press conference, “Big A” asked the President what he thought about the Buccaneers chance to repeat at the Super Bowl this year and if those five pounds he had gained were really attributable to muscular growth as the White House spokesperson had said. Then, we realized that we had accidentally sent the guy from the local deli instead of “Big A”.

Next week, however, we sent the real Big A to D.C. in an attempt to obtain a personal statement from President Gee Dubya during his morning jog. Meanwhile, we strapped the guy from the local deli to a wooden chair and sent lethal amounts of electricity through his right ear via cattle prod, as punishment for failure to obtain a statement from the president about capital punishment, and for our own personal amusement. Anyways, Big A was able to reach Gee Dubya along his morning jog just long enough to get a statement. When asked for his thoughts on capital punishment, the president replied, “I don’t see what all the big fuss is about. All we doin’ is puttin’ em ta sleep for a while so they can think about what they done.” Before he could ask a follow up question, Big A was trampled by some guy running next to the president. The man was apparently carrying a boom box on his shoulder playing “Eye of the Tiger” on loop.

Later that week, upon returning from a pit stop in Iraq to check up on things, the president gave another press conference, one planned specifically to deal with the pressing issue of capital punishment. Gliding to his podium on a zip cord, Gee Dubya fashioned a red cape and tight leather pants. Fireworks shot up all around him, injuring a dog and a street vendor nearby. When asked to address the issue of capital punishment and whether or not Saddam Hussein should be put to death in the U.S., he gave a strong statement to the American people (of course Big A was still sidelined with head injuries, so we obtained this statement through another correspondent using a big stick). He said, “I thinks we oughta capital punish-ize that whole state of Iraqs! Give ’em a chance ta think about what they done, ya know?” He then requested that, for the rest of the conference, he be addressed only as “The Capital Punisher,” saying that, if he had the chance, he’d “gladly jump in the ring with Saddam”.

Mr. Hussein could not be reached for comment, but the Iraqi ambassador said that “[Saddam] would take up President Gee Dubya’s offer, if he had like, a steel chair or something.”

But back to capital punishment. If there is one conclusion that I have reached during this in-depth report on Gee Dubya and the Death Penalty, it’s that dogs make really nice pets, but only if you have a good sized backyard.

Satire: Capital Punishment


Joined August 2009

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Artist's Description

I wrote this article in 2003 for a comedy website at the ripe old age of 16!

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