In The Right Direction

Personal life update:
Today was one of the days I’ve been waiting for. Let me put here on the line. (Funny I still think or at least still want to sugar coat every thing. )
Some of you already know what has transpired in my life over the past six months or more. Some of you may not.
Went to court today for a sentencing hearing for my soon to be former spouse. This was due to his second offence on a Domestic charge. Your first charge they normally slap you with fines, and place you on probation as well as mandate that you take a 9 month Diversion Class to learn tools to recognize your anger problems. This comes with restraining orders keeping him from the home.
So O.K we’ve been there done that tried to work things out between us. After 15 years of marriage and three kids later it really is hard to walk away.
We tried. Sometimes one tried more than the other to put this back together. We tried. We did the whole I’m sorry , it was me bit and we can make this work deal. Made promises that we would never go back down this road again.
That lasted about two weeks before we fell back into old habits. The yelling the screaming the whole blame game, playing tit for tat. The word (home) became a “four letter word.” We became creative at finding new ways to try and destroy one another. One was a little more creative than the other on this. but what it came down o was the children. What they were seeing now daily, nightly. Always living on the edge. Not cool! Yeah I went numb and closed my eyes to the world around me here at home. I couldn’t deal with any of it and didn’t want to deal with any of it. I just wanted to be left alone.
So here we are trying to live together knowing that there just comes a day when you wake up and decide that your just plain and simply done! No more no less, just done.
Over the months prior to June 10th this year I have gone through every emotion known to the human race,
I held compassion and still do for this man that really had a shitty life growing up. Even after all the shitty things that came out in him during this I held a bit of compassion. I held anger, angry at him for letting me down in this. Angry that he as well as myself had changed so much over the years. There was 11 years in age between us. I was young, and now realize that I saw him as a father figure in this relationship. Well there just came that time in my life where I out grew that need from him. That changes how a relationship functions
So here was the day I was waiting for….to find out the outcome in his sentencing, I was told he may face up to 18 months jail time with this. That scared me because we all know that it is impossible to raise three children on solely one income in today’s world. But I was ready to face that if needed. Like I would have a choice. What it came down to is that he has probation again for 1 year, 48 hours of community service, another round of Diversion classes as well as an intervention program. The courts kept the mandatory protection orders in place. “Good! you think, go me!” well not really…
During this time he has failed to provide any money for his 3 children. But tells me how much he values them all. Well the reality check is that the kids need housing, food ,transportation, clothes electricity ect. A one time donation of 200.00 dollars in two months does not stretch very far. Trust me I work in a grocery store 200.00 is almost enough for about a weeks worth of food.
It just floored me that he loves his kids so much but could not worry about if their needs were being covered.
This just left a big lump in my throat that he couldn’t see that it was the kids that needed support from him not me. He had so many chances to step up to the plate on this but each time he failed, always an excuse for not helping out. I became tired of pleading with him for help and just quite answering his calls.
I came to the conclusion that no matter what I would pull the kids and myself through this. No matter what!
I filled for divorce today while at the court house. Guess I’m just tired of playing the games. Over the past 2 months I made a choice that I wouldn’t put the kids or myself into this again.. That holds value more than his money to me. Yes the younger kids do miss him and don’t fully understand my choice’s but I know one day they will. I just had to break this cycle and I pray that my kids will make better choices in their lives’ because I took a step in the right direction to change this for them and for me…

Journal Comments

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