Beauty?

Why won’t they stop, accept me for who I am? Is it because I can’t accept myself for who I am? Do they loathe me the way I loathe myself?

When did this all start? With the buttery toast, sugary cookies, the rich, creamy cake? Or with the innate, overwhelming need to be loved, to be perfect?

And who added fuel to the fire? Surely it didn’t stoke itself?

I guess it doesn’t matter now. All that matters is me trapped in this ugliness. A body that others whisper about, point at, laugh at.

Each night I pray. And the only thing I ask for is that I will awake in a new form. You know, like one of those transformers your little brother used to play with.

Then, I’ll have a body others accept. Not perfect (although it’s a pretty thought) just acceptable, tolerable, and, now and then, appealing.

But each morning I rise and see the same girl staring back at me. The reflection of a girl who’ll spend hours agonising over what to wear. Anything that might hide her body, her longing, her sadness. Black works well.

One day it happens. Not overnight, of course, as it does in my prayers. It’s gradual. Slow. So slow, in fact, I don’t notice. Fancy that? My body has been chipped away at and I didn’t even notice!

But others did. They begin talking to me, laughing with me, and, now and then, envying me.

Then, some worry. I don’t know why. Can’t they see how I fit in so much better now? I am no longer a square peg.

But perhaps it is they who know of my inner sadness. Yes, still. My sadness for others who are images of the old me. And my sadness for society’s neglect of inner beauty.

Perhaps they can also sense my fear. They may know of my nightmares of one day returning to the girl I was. Some days, they consume me. I guess it’s the legacy of those raw, indelible scars – taunts, teasing, tags.

And perhaps they know of my secret prayer. The prayer that asks I now wake and see the same girl staring back at me in the mirror each day.

Kylie Carberry

Beauty?

vegemitekid

Joined October 2008

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