Self Portrait

Self PortraitWhen I was tenmy nephew diedhit by a car on a residential streetand on my way home from schoolin the hazy light of early springthat I’ve come to associatewith death and rebirthmy mind had such a limited reachI had no experience to cryso I filed it awayalongside the toys and the vivid imaginationi used to fill the lonely timeeven though the house was full.You don’t slow downyou justroll with the picturesjusttaking in the messages thatpeople say in front of you.Building a self portraitfrom the face in the shop windowsand the one of the man in the mooncomparing and circlingand claiming who you’re notinstead of claiming who you are.When I was fifteenI stole a record from a storemy brother and cousin were with meand they stopped me outside.Embarrassed to the core I went homemy parents couldn’t understandthe reason whythere was no reasonI used to be an A studentbut I was falling before my own eyeswith no reason.School was tossed asideI wandered the streets all dayshowing up at peoples housesunannouncedjust to quit hearing myself speak.Until the school let my parents knowthat I’d been gone much of the year so farso I took an overdoseof what turned out to beharmless over the counter speed.The counselor met with meand as part of the examinationfilmed me with a video cameraas I answered eachintensely personal question.I squirmed, I struggled within myselfI saw the person others sawwithout the inner voiceto know the turmoilI looked away and I looked againand saw myself for the first time there.You don’t slow downyou justroll with the picturesjustlistening to the messages thatpeople say in front of youbuilding a self portraitfrom the face in the mirrorand the one of the man in the film.Seeing that they were one in the samecuts that feeling of seperation.Actions and memoriesthey go by so fastyou end up acquiringa comet by its tailI have no illusions oflove and its glowdeath and its aftermathI will exist and will blissfully keep tryingone picture at a timeto build a self portraitto look in the mirrorand know within and withoutthe pressure is equaland nothing seperates them but skin.

Self Portrait

bill bell

Everett, United States

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Artwork Comments

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desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait
desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait

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