Last-Ditch Attempts By The Crew Of The Pequod To Dissuade Captain Ahab From Hunting Moby Dick

‘You know, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that there is some kind of law against it. Not that I’m certain of it or anything, because I’m no marine biologist – if I was, I’d be the fuck out of here, that’s for sure! Heh. Nah, Cap, I’m just pulling your leg. I love it here. Anyway, a white whale… that’s got to be like, a protected species, man. I mean, there’s only one of them. Just one. In the whole world. Uno. You’d think that people would want to keep him alive for future generations to ponder over or something. To ruin everyone’s unborn children’s chances of enjoying that spectacle… well, I’ll be honest, to my way of thinking that would really make you some kind of asshole.’

‘Hey there Cap. How’s it going? Whatcha doin’ there? Oh, just staring out at the setting sun, feeling the burning knife of unslaked revenge like a whirlwind made entirely out of fire consume your soul, huh? Looks like fun. Can I get in on some of that? Hey, I was thinking, right, why don’t we sail to the Caribbean, right, and just forget this whole thing? We can get some sun, drink some beers, hook up with some girls, we’ll all have a good time. I tell you, Cap, two weeks in the Caribbean sun and we will be a bunch of hot-looking tamales, you know what I’m saying? I know some chicks who would go batshit crazy for that peg-leg thing you’ve got going on there. And I hear there’s lots of whales down in the Caribbean. Lots of them. I bet we could catch a bunch and still get back to port in time for some daiquiris. What do you think, Cap, sound good? Cap? Sound good? Cap?’

‘So… check it out. I have this compass here that always points to what your heart desires. I guess it still works if your heart’s just a dead cave that sucks in all hope and light and crushes it – lucky for you, Captain Ahab! LOL! No, I’m just kidding. None of the crew thinks you’re a chilling testament to the overwhelming power of obsession. None of us. Here you go. Here’s the compass. So we won’t be needing those charts and maps anymore – I’ll just tip those over the side. And all the data you’ve been collecting on Moby’s feeding patterns and behaviour – I’ll get rid of that too. Because we’ve got the magic compass now! That’s sure to guide us straight and true. And if it takes us somewhere else, it’s proof that you never wanted Moby in the first place. You just thought that you did.’

‘Really, the best revenge is to live well. After all, what’s killing Moby going to get you? Sure you’ll feel good for about a day or so, or, maybe until the meat runs out and you’ve eaten every last bit of him, but after that, then what? Nada, that’s what. Nothing. Zip. But if you be the bigger man, of course I don’t mean bigger bigger, he’s a whale after all, and you’re just a man, and he could crush you like a bug without thinking twice about it, but if you move on from the past, you can really make something of your life. And isn’t that what counts? Hope I didn’t make you feel angrier with that whole ‘he could totally crush you like a bug’ thing there, either. Because, if you care to remember, he already fucked you up once.’

‘White whale. Are you serious? Are you fucking kidding me? White whale. Oh, shoot. Yeah, now that you mention it, I guess I’ve seen a white whale a couple of times. It’s the damndest thing. I totally thought that you said white seal. I’ve been keeping a watch out for white seals this whole time. Wow. White whale. That makes much more sense. I guess the white whale is really far away by now, though. Miles and miles and miles away. Really far. Yeah, I would have let you know when I saw it, but, like I said, I was looking out for white seals. I didn’t think a white whale was important. That’s why I didn’t say anything when I saw it. He’s gone now anyway. I guess we can just head back to port. Man. I hope you’re not pissed.’

‘What if we just catch Moby and put him in an exhibit in an aquatic zoo somewhere? Wouldn’t that be much more satisfying for you? He’d be stuck in there all day long, people would be staring at him all the time, he’d be confined to one little area, unpleasant children would be poking him with sticks and shit. His life would suck. Wouldn’t knowing that he was stuck in a zoo forever be much more satisfying than sticking him with a harpoon? I don’t think he’d get much food either, you know, it costs a lot of money to keep a whale that’s at any kind of size.’

‘Hey there, Captain. The crew’s pretty tired, and while we all really want to chase after the white whale and come face-to-face with certain death, we’ve been thinking that maybe it would be best to do it after a full night’s sleep. So we found a local place where we could crash for the night. It’s called the Bates Motel. Obviously, as our leader, you’d be checking us all in. Oh, I nearly forgot. We all got together and bought you this t-shirt. I know, ‘I Hate Mothers’ is a little bit of an unusual slogan, but we think you’re going to come to like it.’

‘Captain Ahab, I’m just going to come out and say it. I don’t think that there is a white whale. I think the whole thing is just a bizarre Freudian symbol of your repressed queer sex drive. Think about it. You’re stuck out in the middle of the ocean the whole time, you don’t see a woman for months on end, and all of a sudden there’s this giant meaty thing just lurching up out of the water in front of you. Think about the symbolism of the blowhole for a second. Doesn’t it make sense? And the whole harpooning thing? Isn’t that a little bit… you know… gay? I mean, you’re sticking your mighty man-spear right into him – does that sound right to you? Hey, hey, don’t get mad. Just hear me out, that’s all I’m asking. Fag.’

‘Ahab, I swear to God, I am going to eat you in your sleep. That’s right, eat you in your sleep. You heard me. Unless you turn this ship around, that’s just what I’m going to do, or my name’s not Queeqeg.’

Last-Ditch Attempts By The Crew Of The Pequod To Dissuade Captain Ahab From Hunting Moby Dick

TheDoubleAgent

Joined December 2007

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