Joined March 2011

I was born. Realized that I was the Only Universe I would ever know / outside of the hope to find you. Discovered that I could take...


Permanently disabled 16 years now. Severe Chronic Pain. Home bound. I meditate the beautiful and draw power from my connection with God to aid the healing and alleviate the pain. Senior Male. Married. Wife and Daughter artists too.

I can only spend short periods of time out of bed. Only 10 min at a time at the computer, a few times a day. (Usually less). I can only leave the house in an ambulance. I organize for photography before taking shots so as to make the most of my time out of bed. Most of my photography work is done indoors with the use of flower boxes hanging from the windows. It’s always a race against rising pain to finish without help. My wife does help me set things up under my direction, and for this I am very grateful. All still-life’s are my arrangements. Although the quietude and alone-ness do offer time for meditation, I find that “balance” is most conducive to growth and healing so my time here is very limited if I want other things.

Mostly, I do still life photography and poetry. Poetry comes spontaneously almost completely finished. Poems write themselves or they don’t get past my censors. I call that “inspiration”, if I’m working too hard for it, I probably don’t mean it – or deserve it – in any case, it doesn’t work that way for me. As a matter of fact it is a profound challenge to write at all. I achieve this through many drafts, once it is conceived.

I started looking at Photographs on the Web to find material for meditation exercises that would allow me relaxation in out-of-body separation from pain. In this way I also found my imagination and much more. I have been criticized for this , for being an escapist instead of absorbing my experience head on and turning it into a spiritual awakening. This profile page is not designed to sell unless you are interested in what a person who lives in relentless pain can still do

As difficult as you may imagine this to be, the worst part of it is some of the people I must encounter. You don’t notice them. I didn’t notice them either before I became disabled and in pain. But they are there and they have a thousand ways to judge you negatively for your pain, “nicely”. Very nicely. They all in fact are “nice people” and the only way they could find out differently is encounters with disabled people who could raise their awareness if they were willing to risk it. This they avoid or rationalize away. They are disturbed by any association with some one who lives in chronic misery even if they do struggle to move past it, into the light. I have been told here that “I don’t love life enough.” “And that I am not right with God – That’s why I suffer”. " His life is so limited. How rich can his love be?" “He has no choice’s”. Or, instead of tenderness, they pay lip service to love while running the other way. " Hurt people hurt people". That’s how they justify their lack of presence and compassion. They don’t realize how toxic they make life for me, they only imagine you make life toxic for them and you can never get away from them. And don’t overlook those good Christians who believe they make it by the good will of God. They also believe that you suffer because you do not allow the good grace of God into your life. We live in a culture that teaches people to meet adversity with good character. It is often said “They died in Misery and never complained”. This is a classic remark that praises their character as it removes you from any sense of responsibility for their condition. Unfortunately, lack of public Knowledge also allows conditions and treatment to stay the same or get worse. If the status quo can get you to stop complaining by embarrassing you about complaining, they would rather do that then suffer the toxic effects of seeing you. If they can give you drugs to stop your complaining – they will do that too. You will find that as soon as you open your mouth about your problems other people will tell you, in one way or another, that it is a “Character issue”. Very many people today suffer and die because they stay mute about their problems so as to not become a social or political burden for making the picture uncomfortable to others. So far there is no cure for RSD. There are thousands of people suffering unimaginably because good knowledge is unavailable.

The abuse of the disabled stands on historical foundations as old as Mankind – and the struggle to live with the popular social ignorance and scorn just as common now as it was in the times of Christ. The disabled are sometimes too impaired to win arguments. They are, after all, disabled (and probably loners). In the long run, people who judge the disabled are as villainous as any, and certainly, the most disabled of us all. There are people who know better but those are the disabled you will not listen too. I have been told that “I blame other people for my personal problems with heath care”. When I try to educate people about RSD/CRPS", I only want to spread awareness because I am well qualified to do so and, and can not hide my pain. " Altruism and love are the things that separate us from the animal kingdom. Much of our modern society has developed through social cooperation and empathy. It’s natural to deplore the lack of concern for the humanitarian issues we exhibit. Sorry, but this is much to severe for me to hide from you – just to keep you comfortable. While there is much effort at shallow kindness, there is really very little offered that has weight in general. I find that people are often kind for their social resume but met with real need they fold like a wet cardboard box. I say this not to judge them. Sure, there are some great people everywhere but too commonly, there is not for the disabled. These people do not have the information. They simply do not have the experience to have any awareness of what they have encountered. There is real concrete political tampering with the whole issue. The moral muscle it takes to earn the title “Compassionate” doesn’t get much exercise. Of course I see things from a different vantage point – of course I do – and in a land of conformity to the social blindness that doesn’t deal with wide spread suffering, that doesn’t fit well.

Their numbing attitude begins with baby steps and ends in genocide. Sooner or later there are too many people and choices must be made. Who do you think will be valued? I live with this feeling everyday. To be disabled is not a medical label as much as it is a social and economic one. You “tax” the environment in every way. And that’s not good. You live with a lot of fear as well as pain because of this, even the people who are afraid to tell you will not help you. You learn your “place” very soon while those closest to you do not travel the same path either, isolation is inevitable. From at least World War ll, to now, there hasn’t been a time when genocide hasn’t been going on in some part of the world. Think about it. No? Tends to spoil the beauty of sunsets, doesn’t it.

Compassion seldom outlasts the nuisance value of you who are always sick.

I am very fortunate to have a wife who takes her wedding vowels literally.

Please read.


And recall that we are moving to “A New World order”

Keep in mind that disability, generally, comes with aging and doesn’t get better and if it does, the chances that disability might not come back is not a risk a new employer will often take.

They kill horses that suffer without the possibility of resolution from pain and cats and dogs too, but not human beings. I’m told that’s because humans live for higher values. Will somebody please tell my weak spirited friends who are mean because they are ignorant, that I must be living for those higher values. Pain drives you there. Values they may never have to cling to as tightly as I do. (I was told in bmail that I must see myself wearing “sandals”). Insulted for living with the very experience that challenges me and they are privileged not to know. And I assure you that I wish pain on no one, that they may grow spiritually faster.

I believe real Art is revolutionary intrinsically and may speak for our collective heart in all it’s ways. I believe that real Art may be revolutionary in the way that telling the truth is always revolutionary. . .and brave. Above all, it is self-transcendent and it’s radiant power lifts all who it touches. My intention is to move you, not to always please you, unless you ‘re here for the art.There are lots of people here for the Oxytocin rush. Many people fail to realize that those pleasant hormonal feelings depend on empathy to have them work. Their misfortune is that empathy is a conduit for both pleasant AND unpleasant feelings. To adore a kitten you must also be willing to feel terrible should it be run over by a car. Sorry, that’s just the sad fact of life. The same hormones that bring you love also bring you heartbreak and the general chemistry of it says you can’t have one without the other. If you’d rather I didn’t tell you this than you are one of those people. If you are abashed, you are one of these people.This will not be as rich a place for you as it could be, even if you do keep coming back for more. Even if you work here. Stop persecuting people for the challenges that life hands them with your passive aggressive ways.

The modern world we live in knows that “good feelings sell” and bad feelings don’t, so they wind up twisting us up about our own human nature. More important than feeling good or feeling bad is “living for meaning”. However you may find that meaning. Meaning has helped humanity live forward through all the necessary suffering there ever was and that’s a thought that warms and inspires me in a pleasant way. It is what helps me get through the day and the longest nights. Expect to be told by false profits that “expecting meaning” is why you suffer. Believing that you suffer for nothing and without purpose is the worst of human fates. If you think love matters at all than you know that it begins with sharing and doesn’t shun the meanings we live for or the feelings . It is, rather, at the heart of them. And no matter what your meanings, do not forget that there are those out there who think suffering is a personal choice, They smile and laugh and play – and they say ouch when burned, just like we do. They carry in a solid gold frame, a license to disregard you because they think that your predicament is about your choices. They can’t help it that they don’t understand what loving and being loved can do for us. They don’t know the meaning of the word Humanitarian. It’s the way that they suffer. It is the way that they are disabled. Emmanuel Kant reminds us, “if justice perishes, human life on earth has lost it’s meaning” Only for caring this banner, we are victorious.

My thanks go out to the many people who have contributed to the contents of this composition and their valuable support. You would be surprised to know how many people who post are disabled or suffer with chronic illness. If they do then they seldom mention it. What does that tell you?

The ways of denial and social exclusion are designed to protect people from the pain of their own empathy. They while tell you that it is about how your character fails you (and them). They will tell you that you are “addicted to your pain”. They seem to be incapable of realizing how they support our societies structural predisposition to fighting the needs of the suffering and the elderly It’s called “blaming the victim” – otherwise, how is depriving them of medical care and Social Security going to help? How is depriving those in dire distress of disease helpful? Are you uncomfortable with the bleating need that is painful to your ears. I can tell you how it is handled. I live on that line that you only visit. I know – you suffer too. But, you also often tell me that you are going skying for the weekend and I see that you go where you want to and that you are taking on a lover – And I don’t believe your empathy reaches deep enough. It just tells me that your suffering is more important to you. (which is exactly what the absence of compassion is. I am outraged at the arrogance of people who try to tell those who are in pain that they aren’t handling it well. Or that it shouldn’t fall on them that you do suffer. QUICK! Mention their denial first. I know for sure that if you cared collectively, there would be much less suffering and so much that you do or say hurts people who could just as easily be you or me. I appreciate the accolades for those hero’s who go the extra mile to learn to be concerned – those who you praise for what is extraordinary – for being so rare, and they so often miss the significance of that too. You do cart – wheels and handstands when you suffer and smile through your frown so as not to be treated as an “undesirable.” You support the comfortable lie too. I know you think differently in your quiet hours. You know the truth as well as I do when you suffer but forget your experience as soon as someone enters the room. It seems to be that your character peaks only then – when someone is looking.

Feel free to browse or buy, but please remember all these images and writings are copyrighted, and that any copying, altering, editing, displaying or redistribution of any of these images without permission is strictly prohibited.

Thank you!
The Scream by Edvard Munch



Some favorite music;

CHRIS BOTTI IN BOSTON | “Emmanuel” w/ Lucia Micarelli | PBS

Chris Botti – A Thousand Kisses Deep

Lullaby for Helen – Bill Evans

Nina Simone – Feelings (1976) HQ

Richie Havens “Here Comes the Sun”

Richie Havens " All Along the Watchtower"

Joe Cocker~You Are So Beautiful (Live at Montreux 1987)

Cyndi Lauper – True Colors

Ennio Morricone – Malena (Titoli Di Coda)

Don Williams Emmy Lou Harris – If I Needed You (with lyrics)

Josh Groban Awake Live: Lucia Micarelli – Kashmir

Toots Thielemans – Theme from Midnight Cowboy – European Qua


♫ Love Is A Mystery

So in love – k.d. lang

Conway Twitty – The rose

Barbra Streisand – If You Go Away (Ne Me Quitte Pas) – 2009

Barbra Streisand – When You Walk Through a Storm.

Emmanuel – played by Toots Thielemans ( Michel Colombier ) – bar

Santana and Dave Matthews – Love of My Life

Cê – Toots Thielemans – The Brazil Project

Proms 2011 – Cinema Paradiso – theme

  • Joined: March 2011


Profile revised (excerpt)

2/11/2016 / The ways of denial and social ostracization are designed to protect people from the pain of empathy. They while tell you that it is about how your character fails you (and them). They will tell you that you are “addicted to your pain”. They seem to be incapable of realizing how they support our societies structural predisposition to fighting the needs of the suffering an…
Posted over 1 year – Leave a comment

Still Here

Sorry to be absent . . . / Personal loss has dulled my senses. My feeling nature coming back slowly. Sorry I can’t share more. Everyone most close is still here. / Ernie
Posted over 2 years – 8 comments

Sorry to be scarce

I have been very very ill. Serous surgeries and hardly able to to note this journal. Thank you for your ongoing loyalties. / Love, Ernie
Posted about 3 years – 3 comments

Living with meaning. (revised Feb. 23, 2012)

I believe that real Art is inherently revolutionary and speaks for our collective heart and all it’s ways. I believe that Art is inherently revolutionary In the way that telling the truth is always revolutionary. . . My intention is to always move you, not to always please you, unless you ‘re here for the art.There are lots of people here for the Oxytocin rush. Many people fail to rea…
Posted over 5 years – 4 comments
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