Journal for a different purpose. ? Not work, Not a story, just a feeling. A different type of communicaion.

Good evening fellow artists,

I am now officially emotionally challenged. I am so confused. So confused about who to trust again, who to love and who to slap with my anger. I am so confused that I can not write, which is distressing because I have so many ideas to explore and focus on, but I just can’t. When I get like this, I doubt myself – no one understands. I know that is a regularlly used term by teenagers, but honestly, it has gotten to a stage where I am positively sure that ‘no one understands’. More to the point no one wants to listen. A point I may add here is that I will probably read this next week thinking – what was I thinking? Posting this to the world? And then I’ll laugh and say, silly hormonal girl with her silly internet blogs… Well I would just like to say to future – week – later me that I am not silly and the things I am saying is an unknown cause of a sad cry for help. I want someone to untangle my problems, wash them away, clear my minds and soak my fears. Help me. I am ok, I would’nt do anything to hurt myself, I am just very torn up inside. I am normally a person who promotes a happy, healthy lifestyle, caring for everyone, regretting nothing. Someties I think its all bullshit and that I should just care fro myself. But yet, when I say that I feel bad, real real bad, because saying that everything I believe in is stupid, is going against, well everything I believe in. Maybe I should just be positive, like I always am. But what did Tim say? “It is ok to be sad sometimes.” Yes, I am only human.

You are probably thinking, this girl is crazy, she is’nt even making sense, and for that I say, there is not much I will do to iron out my creased words. I have so much to say and I realise that my words are pretty much just un-edited sentences and thoughts, spewed out and translatted as nonsense talk. Please do not hold that against me. I need to say these things, regardless of how aware this may not be taken seriously or may not even be read but it is a vent for me – a recognised false vent for me.

This entry highlights my current mood of distress, confusion, sadness, worry, pathetic self pity and doubt. I do not like the term ‘not herslf’ because this is me – Caite and her sadness chronicals. Just because I appear happy, doesnt mean I am hiding things. Everyone has pain Mike, not just you. I empathise with you, help you love you and care for you and what do you give me? Hatred. Just a big, fat lump of solid hatred that you throw at me when you feel down. I do not help you to get anything in return but I am truly sick and tired of your insults and blame after your problems are solved and taken care of. As much as I should say sorry, this time I will not. (This feels more soothing than a soother when you have a sore throat)

Bless Nick, always correcting everything. He is an angel. Someone who can undo the done, is god-like. However, it is impossible to undo anything, but he in a sense does – he takes the pain away. Well, maybe you would be proud Nick, I have taken the pain away for myself. But I do, all the time. I do not depend on others. That is partly the reason why I suffer in silence – smile at you and cry in silence after your departure. I am not always like this, but when I get like this, all my problems surface, clouding my head. I become confused with which problems are stupid and which are worth solving. (I am genuinly happy. Sometimes, I feel low like this, lke now, but I am a happy person which is such a contrast with the way I am feeling now.) I do not hate, do not care for or disregard – I love everything. But when sometimes you are exsessively producing love and altruristically giving it away, it becomes sad when you get nothing in return. I am being hypocritical. AM I making sense? Does is matter? I don’t care. Actually, maybe I do. I honeslty don’t know. But I do make myself better, undo my own pain, I know how, I know how. I don’t need to be taught, guided or insturcted how to fix my own sadness or worries, I know how to cure them myself. Am I being stubborn? Ignorant? Maybe I am just being a useless selfish teenager. That makes me sad. Teenagers have feelings too. Why do I keep justifying myself? I doubt myself alot. But its not just me – its others too. I am not just blaming others for my sadness for no reason. So many times people have labeled me with the stigma of ‘useless’ or ‘brainless’. It hurts, makes me cry. But I will smile and laugh so they don’t see how much it affects me. Does that make me strong? Not really. Maybe. There is no such thing as right or wrong – only peoples opinions. Many people tell me I cannot or will not do things, even when I do. That is proving them wrong. I hate doing things, excelling in places, just to prove people that I am capable. I want to do it for myself – be myself. But I am myself, just doubted more often than I would like. It makes me sad.

And when finally someone asks ‘are you ok?’ And you decide to trust them, they say ‘I know that feeling.’ Everyone knows thatf feeling. You can’t have your own feelings. I back away from people in times of personal grief and secret tears and replace that conversation of polite talk about them. No one gives a shit. I should know, I go to highschool.

I love my brother, he is simply the best. When I cry, he says nice things and then makes me laugh. He knows me the best. But these are not his problems, they are mine – no one will ever understand them, feel them or have experienced them better then me. I know I can’t handle it on my own and will bottle it up. I know that is silly, but I will keep on doing it, because thats me. I know that everyone experiences sadness for different reasons at different times. Billions of people everyday wake up or go to sleep or don’t even sleep at all. Billions of people handle situations billions of different way. Grace or tack or some where in between. Billions of people are here on earth doing billions of things everyday. Its not just me. Its not just you. Its billions of people world wide who have reasons for doing things – past expreiences, mood, an up-brining, cultural affects and the society we live in is what shapes us as people. I am sure thats not all, but they are the factors for reasons behins actions of billions of people everyday.

This was my sad song. I never even said the problem!! But after all, they are mine, not yours. I do not expect anyone to understand what I am saying nor do I need your understanding or approval. I am happy to have said what I have said as it has now grounded me and got a few particular bothers off my mind. Sure there are many more but they have settled for now. It is amazing what words can do for a person especially when you have been sitting in silence for a long time.

SO please, go ahead and read, laugh at my expense, comment, empathise, sympathise, gossip or just read. Respond how you will, we all have our reasons.
It is, in a way, my pleasure.

I am aware that what I have written is not why the journal was created. Please understand my intention of pouring out my incorrectly spelt, rushed, dear, honest words.

I am sorry red bubble.

Truly.

I say sorry too much. Oh god.,
Thankyou.

Kindest Regards,
C.F

p.s. hopefully I can write now!! :)

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