Half Empty

We can go back and forth about analyzing a half a glass of water to determine whether or not you’re a super sunny person or a total downer. But we’ll be here all damn day. I ’ll just throw this out there: Even the Eeyore’s of the world have moments when they feel happy and excited about life and even the romper room smiling assholes you want to punch for being just a little too perky on a Monday morning have moments where they’d like to sit in a bathroom stall and have a good cry.

I’d like to discuss the people who are just never going to be satisfied. Sure, they’ll say they’re happy. Usually that happiness is based on the fact that they are not in physical pain of any kind at that very moment and recently, no one has pissed them off. But in a general, overall sense, they see the water in the glass and think “it’s not enough.” More often than not, this feeling of not being full causes anxiety and depression. They have more than one mid-life crisis. They do really stupid things without thinking because all they can focus on is the moment the glass wasn’t as full as it is now and they’re trying to do things to feel like its filling up faster, or differently, or…something. Anything to forget when it was near empty! They cannot find solace in how far they’ve come, they can only remember that they once were far behind. They say phrases that start with “I regret…” or “I should have done this years ago…” or “I wish I would have.”

These half empty people take forever to make decisions, fearing that they’ll select wrong and it will be too late to change their minds and they’ll be “stuck”. Once the decision is made, once they get what they want, they still eye the option they did not choose, agonizing and comparing their final selection to the one left standing. Watching them feel so unsettled makes you start to panic, you start to feel their anxiety, you lose a sense of security with them. You think….”my god can I make this person happy???” You begin to think you dont have it in you to help fill their glass.

I have colleagues who complain they don’t get what they want, but when they get it, they do nothing with it. “Order us snacks for our meetings” they’ll say, but then they wont touch what is ordered. “Invite me to meetings!” they’ll whine, but you invite them to meetings and they don’t go or complain that the date doesn’t match their schedule and demand a different date only to argue about that new date and on and on until you go bonkers. They are unwilling to compromise but incessantly whine that they don’t get enough. They want everyone else to work to fill their glasses up but dont want to actually do any of that work themselves.

I have loved ones who I cannot please. Ever. Some lie to my face but then it will come out in some other ridiculous way that they just aren’t happy with me. Some will make decisions that hurt my relationship with them. All because of how half empty they feel. It’s a domino effect. You feel unsatisfied with yourself so you take it out on others, either directly or indirectly, and the people who love you and want to see you happy are left feeling just as inadequate about themselves as you feel your life is.

I want to smash the glasses of water. Often times, I’d love to smash them over the heads of the people crying about how little water is in them. At least you have water! And the rate you’re going, your tears will fill it up the rest of the way….but it won’t matter. You’ll then say the water isn’t clear enough, or you don’t like the glass. You may even have the sheer audacity to say the water in the glass is too salty…making it someone else’s problem that you’ve got a life full of your own sobbing!

I’m tired of half empty people. I’m tired of trying to feel sensitive to this growing disdain they seem to have of the amazing things that are around them. They have no sense of how to cherish. They seem unable to treasure the little things, because little things aren’t quite big enough. I’m a rather small person. I’m five foot 2 or 3 maybe…I have the hands of a child, my shoes are a size 5 ½. I am a small thing. I’m not famous, I’m not even exceedingly smart. I am just me trying to feel like I’m ENOUGH for a whole long list of people in my life, both personally and professionally. Every now and then, I find someone who is half-full and they really fucking adore me. They tell me I’m great in case I forget. They tell me what they love about me, in case I’m not sure what there is to love. And for just one shining moment, I can forget all the Eeyore’s in my life….the ones who are half-full and will never be filled.

For one moment, I’m enough.

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