It’s all illusion, light and angles. Nothing is as it appears, nobody is how they seem. I see it now quite clearly; I see that the entire world is shrouded in lies.

“So what would happen if I told you we’re never going to have sex?” I asked him.
“Never ever?!? I would start dating other people but still be friends with you ” He answered gallantly. So gallant, that Kyle, so insistent that he really likes me. But I see right through the pleasantries. I see that he’s only chasing a fantasy, and I refuse to be a fantasy.

“Oh, sweetheart, but you’re so beautiful!” Danielle exclaims, an exclamation she only ever makes when I reveal to her my self-destructive thoughts. The rest of her time is spent considering how to style her hair, why Xavier and Garret “suck” and how perfect her perfect man is going to be.

I want to say, “there’s no such thing as perfect, Danielle. Stop fantasizing. Your perfect man is an illusion!” But I can’t because I seek perfection as well and I am worse than her.

My mother smiles, and I can stare right through it. She bares all of her teeth, her entire face straining, silently screaming at everybody: “Look! I’m so happy! Look at my wonderful family! Look at how much we love God! Look at how effortlessly clean my house looks! Don’t look too closely at the daughter who won’t pray with us before dinner, or the daughter who can’t decide what she feels, or the son who thinks my sole purpose in life is to cook and clean for him. Just look at this smile! How can somebody with a smile this unwavering not be happy?”

I’ll blame it all on menopause because illusions are safer than reality.

I smile as David the server proclaims to the entire kitchen staff that I am “sugar and spice and everything nice” and thank him. I don’t mention the anger, the anxiety, the bipolarity, the confusion. I just let him think what he wants because to wake somebody up from an illusion is a painful process for all involved.

I don’t want to seek reality, but I must.

I’m not even an illusion, I’m a mere fragment of one, with a counterfeit gleam and I cant even finish this because it all sounds so FAKE



Columbus, United States

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