Tales for Twins - Grandad Four Hearts and Dr Who

One day Grandad Four Hearts was sitting with his cousin Doctor Who. They were drinking Caterpillar Juice and eating Polly Parrot Pizza. The sun was shining and they had heard that a zillion crocodiles were eating all the people in France. It was a perfect day.

Suddenly they heard a loud shout. It was their friend Three Heads running up the hill from the village (he only had two heads really but he was a very poor counter). “Grandad Four Hearts, Doctor Who”, he cried, “bad news from Mars, the Scab Scratchers have invaded the Mars Bar factory and are trying to steal the secret recipe”.

“Quick” said Grandad, “lazer contact Spiderman.” “We can’t”, said Three Heads, “he’s in Scotland fly fishing and not on the net”.
“Right” said Grandad “us three will go to Mars and smash the Scab Scratches”.

“We have a problem Houston” said Doctor Who (he sometimes got his Time space locations mixed up) “the Tardis is in for its hundred thousand million service and there is a problem with the spurgle pin on the offside landing leg.”

“Oh fizzing eck,” said Grandad, “I’ll have to build a Willchar space rocket.”

“Three Heads, get me some wood; nails; black tape; super glue and the telephone number of Blue Peter”……. “No probs”, said Three Heads.

Soon Grandad was hammering; banging and shouting. He hadn’t started the space rocket, just locked himself in the toilet.

Ten minutes later the rocket was ready. They filled it with real Russian vodka rocket fuel and were ready for take off.

“Which is the best way to get to Mars” said Doctor Who. Three Heads was busy talking to himself so Grandad got the map. “Turn right at Huddersfield, left at Turkey, another left at the moon, and then take the ring road around Saturn and straight down the Milky Way. It’s sign posted from there.”

With a mighty roar, a whoosh and a bang and a clang, they were off.

“Watch out for speed traps and Space Police” said Grandad, “don’t go faster than a thousand million miles a second”.

“OK” said Doctor Who, “and don’t forget to plug in all your four hearts. If we go over Barnsley we could hit a Black Hole”.

Soon Mars came into view. There were hundreds of Scab Scratchers and they were bombing the Mars Factory with coconuts, boiled sweets and worst of all…..Belgium Chocolates.

Suddenly the Chief Scab Scratcher saw the Space Craft. “Oh no” he cried, “it’s Grandad Four Hearts, Doctor Who and Three Heads” (he couldn’t count either). “Everybody run away, run away”.

“Too late” shouted Grandad “load the anti scratcher rocket launcher with our deadliest bullets”.

“Not the…………… ” said Two Heads and the Doctor both together.

“Yes” said Grandad, “the out of sell by date sausages from Tesco”.

It was like a Glasgow pub at closing time; blood everywhere; shouting and screaming and sausage curry running down the street. The secret recipe was saved; the Scabbies defeated, and time to return to Earth.

Stopping off briefly to say hello to the man in the moon, the three heroes landed just outside of Honley.

Spiderman was waiting for them. He had caught a tartan trout and a three legged haggis in Scotland. They ate it all with hedgehog milk and free Mars Bars given to them by the grateful Martians.

Grandad Four Hearts switched back to one heart; Doctor Who went to check the Tardis and Two Heads went off for a game of Doubles Tennis.

Then they all went to bed to dream of further adventures to come.

Tales for Twins - Grandad Four Hearts and Dr Who

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