sword

Joined September 2007

Now old…bald…deaf…and arthritic. but still honest and reliable / My thanks to all of you on REDBUBBLE for your very...

Journal

Untitled

Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout,-
he reads it out .“The country is in good hands under the new president,
crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There
are no worries”
Gordon Brown thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of
that” so he asks “What will Britain be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
“Come on Gordon” says Barak, “Share what it says”
“I can’t! Its all in Arabic!”

Another true story.

I was promoted at work a long time ago

I was made group buyer for the departmental store that I worked for
.
On my first buying trip to the Olympia fair in London, I happened to meet the cosmetics buyer from another local store .

Whom I knew was gay because his partner worked with me.
.
The first thing he said was hello Peter have you got a large O.T.B

I stammered and stuttered then said….. just average really.

On meeting my controller for coffee. I casually told him about meeting the buyer from the other store
.
I then said to him what is an O.T.B. Terry

He said that an OPEN TO BUY was the amount of money I intended to spend.

Why do you ask….. Oh, no reason I said sheepishly..

A BORING BLOG

Time for another blog. Today been to local auction bought a box of dinky/corgi die cast models of which I know little or nothing.
Being very hard of hearing I discovered that I had misheard the lot number and also bought some collectors cards which I did not want and of which I know nothing.
So another successful day buying stuff that, I know nothing about and should be able to sell at a loss.
Still it keeps me busy and if not profitable, it keeps my tiny brain active HO HUM such is life

True story of a man with a wicked sense of humour

Many years ago ,not very long after I had been married

(I am still married to the same woman some 40 odd years later)
Sorry I am rambling again…Anyway as I was saying many years ago I was travelling home on the bus with a guy from work that happened to be gay and we were sitting on the rear seat.
He got up and went to the front of the bus to get off the stop before me.
He turned and said in a loud voice Goodbye Peter darling see you tonight.
Everyone in the bus turned to see whom he was talking to.
Remember this was at a time in the UK anyway, for gay people to be frowned upon to say the least.
He had a wicked sense of humour that guy……

Hundreds of my primitive/naive pictures can be seen at http://www.zazzle.co.uk/sword42
I am still working on this link type thing
Hope it is not against any rules

Priceless

Subject: Check before you die…or else……!!!
Now some people are really stupid!!!!…

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’

Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’

Citibank: ‘Since it i

Test for Dementia (I GOT THEM ALL WRONG)

Test for Dementia…

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let’s find out just how clever you really are….

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
But don’t take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are..?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rude but funny email to me Plus My reply to a friend

Subject: FW: The ASDA Greeter…

The ASDA Greeter

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow ’s South-side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, ‘Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘F*ck naw, they’re no twins. The auldest wan’s 9, and the ither wan’s 7.
Why the f*ck would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?’

’I’m neither blind, thick nor stupid, Madam.’ replied the greeter. ‘I just couldn’t believe you’ve been shagged twice. Have a good d

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

Subject: AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked , what’s on TV?…

I said, Dust.

And then the fight started
===============

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started

=================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive… so, I took her to a gas station…

And then the fight started ….
=================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to
verify my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the w

A few more funnies (At least i think they are)

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ’That’s Aboriginal.’
-——————————
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
-——————————-
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’
I said, ‘No, permanent.’
-——————————
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’…


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best before End’
-————————————
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’
-—————————————-
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
-—————

Back from Holidays

Just a quick note of apology for my lack of replies to all of your nice comments on my work,but i have been in Cyprus for the past month.( LUCKY ME) and do not seem to have had the time to log on very much.Also have a problem uploading pictures to R-BUBBLE or anywhere else,but hope to sort it out on my return to the UK shortly
Many thanks
Peter

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