sword

Joined September 2007

Now old…bald…deaf…and arthritic. but still honest and reliable / My thanks to all of you on REDBUBBLE for your very...

Journal

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

Subject: AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked , what’s on TV?…

I said, Dust.

And then the fight started
===============

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started

=================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive… so, I took her to a gas station…

And then the fight started ….
=================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to
verify my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the w

A few more funnies (At least i think they are)

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ’That’s Aboriginal.’
-——————————
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
-——————————-
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’
I said, ‘No, permanent.’
-——————————
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’…


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best before End’
-————————————
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’
-—————————————-
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
-—————

Back from Holidays

Just a quick note of apology for my lack of replies to all of your nice comments on my work,but i have been in Cyprus for the past month.( LUCKY ME) and do not seem to have had the time to log on very much.Also have a problem uploading pictures to R-BUBBLE or anywhere else,but hope to sort it out on my return to the UK shortly
Many thanks
Peter

Subject: FW: Zen Teachings

Subject: FW: Zen Teachings…

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just p * off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach

Genuine council complaints It's not what you say it's how you put it............

Council Complaints. To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words……these are genuine extracts from council complaint letters.…

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

3. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other

ARE YOU A DOMESTIC GODDESS

Hello everyone…

Nigella is a UK ..TV cook and domestic goddess.

There is Nigellas way, my wifes way ,and my way.How come i never get my way

1. Nigella’s Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips
. The Real Woman’s Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

2. Nigella’s Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman’s Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

3. Nigella’s Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman’s Way
Tescos’ sell cakes. They even do d

Speaking as one who has gone through this procedure.... It is not that far from the truth

This is a bit long winded (not a good choice of words) but i think it is worth the effort to read……
This has got to be a must read for all of you. Please do so when you
have time to laugh so hard you cry. This is written by Dave Barry, a Pulitzer Prize winning columnist:…

…. I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterolgist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ’HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’…

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed
Arabian beauty hadn’t moved a muscle.
‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’

She calmly turned her head and said,
‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.’

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without miss

Real notes left for British Milkmen

  • Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
  • Cancel one pint after the day after today.
  • Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
  • Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
  • Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
  • When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
  • Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
  • Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
  • From now on please leave two pints every other day and one p

Just returned

My sincere apologies for not replying to any comments over the past couple of weeks but i have just returned from a couple of weeks in the Canarie islands.Loads of swimming, walking ,sun, sea, sand, and sex….OK i am lying about the last bit ,but.5 out of six is not bad for a guy of my age.Hope to do a little catching up over the next few days
best regards Peter

computer problems OOOHHH

My apologies if i have not responded to any comments over the past few days,but my computer has been giving me big problems…I hope to be back online sometime later to day.I have been like a bear with a sore head according to my lovely wife.And i think she is right…Regards Peter

Tickle me Elmo

Subject: Tickle Me Elmo…

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which
makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re
really beginning to pile

A few funnies

I can Identify with most of these,and i still had a good laugh so thats ok then…

An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’…

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m jus t full of aches and pains. I know you’re about

The Italian Tomatoe Garden

Italian Tomato Garden…

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual

tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man

wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my

tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden

plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I

know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived

The Deaf Wife

This really appeals to me ,maybe because i am very hard of hearing.and this sort of thing happpens to me on a daily basis…..Even though i wear two powerful hearing aids……

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought

> she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
> the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
>
> The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
> perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
>
> Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her,
> and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
> go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’
>
> That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
>

A joke for all (The thief in Paris)

Subject: The thief in Paris

A thief in Paris wanted to steal some paintings from the Louvre Museum.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and
made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied,

“Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy
Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to
you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in New South wales The Canberra State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.…

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, "there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay him $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

“That’s the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit

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