Fifty Moderately Comical Answers to Fifty Not so Comical Questions

I’ve noticed lots of people doing this fifty questions thing around here lately. I also noticed that I was bored, and because of this fact I decided to mash the two things together like an ooey-gooey peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Don’t get any on your shirt.

1. Do you like blue cheese?
About as much as I like having rocks thrown at me by large groups of angry children who are mad because I won’t get off of the swing and give them a turn. (Not that that’s ever happened to me or anything…I mean, that would be just plain creepy.)

2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette?
When I was much younger (and only slightly dumber) my grade school friends and I would pick used cigarette butts off of the ground on the baseball diamond near my house and smoke what was left of them. Needless to say, I was never too anxious to light up as I got older.

3. Do you own a gun?
I do not, no. Unless you count a water-gun? I’m thinking though that the person who wrote these questions didn’t have a water-gun in mind when typing them, so my answer remains no.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I’ve only been to a Sonic once in my life and as far as I can remember, I didn’t add any flavors to my drink. Unless you count puke, which came after I was done with my burger! POW! I JUST ZINGED YA SONIC!

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Depends on what kind of doctor. My general practitioner? No. My gynecologist? Yes. Man, you wouldn’t believe the looks I get when I show up in that office! (That was a weird joke.)

6. Do you like hot-dogs?
No I don’t, so I give them a fresh bowl of water to help them cool down. (That was a lame joke.)

7. Favorite Christmas Song?
I don’t really have one. I cry a lot at Christmas. Okay, no I don’t…I’m just fishing for sympathy.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Mouth-wash. My wife prefers that I drink it too. No kissy-kissy until you squishy-squishy and spitty-spitty. (That was a really strange way to word that joke.)

9. Can you do push-ups?
Maybe…what do you care? Are you saying that I look out of shape? You’re looking at my gut aren’t you? AREN’T YOU!? I WORK BEHIND A DESK!! IT’S HARD TO STAY IN TIP TOP SHAPE!! LAY OFF!

10. What’s your favorite meal?
Pizza. I could eat pizza all day – every day, then go back in time and do it again. I know that sounds like an incredible waste of time traveling ability but it’s the truth.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
I don’t really wear a whole lot of jewelry…out in public anyway. What I do in my private time, in the comfortable safeness of my home is my own business. Mine and Stephanies…Stephanie being me…crap…I’ve said too much.

12. Favorite hobby?
I suppose at this point “art” is no longer a hobby so I can’t really go with that. Darn, for years growing up that was my standard answer to this question, and now I’ve got nothing. Sleep? Does sleep count as a hobby? No? Okay fine! Geez, settle down! It’s not a hobby, fine!! You didn’t have to call me names just because I brought it up!! You were out of line with that…seriously…and bringing my mother into it was just plain wrong.

13. Do you work with people who idolize you?
Um…no. I could lie and say yes, but…um…no. Not at all. Not even a little. In fact pretty much the complete opposite.

14. Name a trait that you hate about yourself?
Too wordy.

16. Middle name?
Carl. It’s my father’s name. Yep a wonderful reminder of painful, failed relationships. Aint’ life grand?

17. Name 3 thoughts at this moment:
How in the world am I going to pay my mortgage this month if I don’t get some more freelance work asap?
Why am I typing a fifty question thing in my Redbubble journal instead of looking for more freelance work that would in turn keep me from being tossed out on the street?
Why was everything in Mr. Wonka’s office cut down the middle? Seriously, what was the purpose? A half of a telephone is pretty useless and a half of a water glass even more so.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday:
The Mona Lisa. King Tuts mummy. Brand and Angelina’s fully furnished Hollywood mansion. (I suppose this completely answers the question as to why I can’t pay my mortgage this month.)

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
Water, tea, and Mountain Dew. I know, I know, drinking Mountain Dew is the equivalent of drinking battery acid, but I was suckered in by the “Do the Dew” campaign years ago and haven’t been able to get away from it since. DAMN YOU SLICK MARKETING CAMPAIGNS!! YOU GOT ME AGAIN!

20. Current worry right now?
Didn’t I already answer this question? I feel like I did. To answer it again would be pointless and I feel like the three people who might read this deserve better…so suck on that fifty questions!

21. Current hate right now?
How about anything and everything Jonas Brothers? That’s going to be my current hate tomorrow as well…and the day after that…and the day after that. In fact, just put them on the hate calendar for the next few years.

22. Favorite place to be?
In bed with my wife, forcing her to watch scary movies that she hates, and will no doubt give her nightmares. (Man I’m a jerk.)

23. How did you bring in New Years?
I think I was asleep at the time. In fact, I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever really “brought in” anything in my life. Parties and me go together like Bozo the Clown and a George Romero film. (Which is basically not at all.)

24. Favorite place to go?
My bathroom? I dunno. Traveling and me go together like Bozo the Clown and a Georg…sigh…I already made this joke, didn’t I?

25. What is your most recurring dream?
Ever since I was a kid I have had this dream about the town I grew up in getting flooded, and these weird monsters that lived underneath the water eating the survivors, who now lived in small boats and traveled from home to flooded home scavenging whatever they could in order to survive. Hey, that might make a pretty cool movie.

26. Introvert or extrovert?
Believe it or not, the word introvert was created specifically for me. As a kid I was the weird guy in the back of the room who never said a word and you thought might one day become a serial killer. As an adult I am the weird guy in the back of the room who never says a word and somehow, just barely, avoided becoming a serial killer…for now anyway.

27. What color shirt are you wearing?
Black. Like my soul. (Wow…I’m deep. Almost like a real artist?)

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I prefer to levitate four inches above my bed while sleeping. Satin sheets are SOOO 1985!

29. Can you whistle?
Yes, but not while I work. (Another terrible joke.)

30. Favorite color(s)?
Wow, fifty questions is really a lot of questions. I mean, When I started this I intended on using it to pass some time before getting to work on more important things, but it feels like I’ve been typing this forever and there is no end in sight. If anyone made it this far in reading let me just say that I pity you, and I’m sorry. So very sorry.

31. Would you be a pirate?
Why do you ask? Are you offering? I didn’t know there were a lot of positions available in the pirating world anymore. I’m not sure I could pull it off. Would the other pirates ever be able to truly respect a crew mate with a metro-sexual faux-hawk? My guess would be no.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Many songs. The entire score of the HMS Pinafore infact. And in case you were wondering tickets are available at Ticketmaster. They’re going quick so get yours right away!

33. Favorite girl’s name?
Rosario. I type this only because I have a bit of a creepy childish crush on Rosario Dawson and it infuriates my wife to no end. (Man, I like giving her nightmares AND I like to annoy her? I need to talk to my therapist about this.)

34. Favorite boy’s name?
Boys name. (I don’t know…I’m running out of jokes. Are there really fifteen of these things left?)

35. What’s in your pocket right now?
Nothing. I am at home in boxer shorts that have no pockets. I could tell you what I have in those but then I would have to call you all a bunch of perverts.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
My boxer shorts joke. Man I’m funny. You’re a pervert, but I’m funny.

37. Bed sheets as a child?
Huh? What a weird question. Sort of like asking “Clothes as an adult?” or “Food as a human being?”

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
When I was in sixth grade I had a bicycle accident, made kissy-face with the pavement, and got over three-hundred stitches in my forehead as a result. I’ve also had a fractured rib, many, many bruises, and more than a few good, deep cuts. That’s right, my skin pretty much looks like Frankenstein’s monster at this point.

39. Do you love where you live?
It’s not too bad. The weather is good. I’ve got no complaints. (Hey, look at that, a legitimate answer to a question that is completely and totally JOKE FREE! I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD DO IT, BUT I DID!)

40. How many TV’s are in your house?
Three. Which is sad because only one of them ever really gets used. Hey, I should sell the other two…might help me out with my mortgage problem from an earlier question.

41. What is your worst habit?
Having to finish each and every thing I start. Want proof? I should have said “forget this gobbeldygook!” about twenty questions ago, but here I am, still typing away, my fingers becoming more and more sore with each passing question.

42. How many dogs do you have?
None. Much more of a cat man. I simply can’t trust an animal that will, on occasion, eat its own feces.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Hopefully my wife does, because if she doesn’t then we’re very likely to have marriage problems down the line. (It would be nice if Rosario Dawson had a crush on me though.)

45. What is your favorite book?
Too many to list really. Everything from “Harold and the Purple Crayon” to “Fight Club” to “Watchmen” to “The Time Machine Did It.” (Hey, look at that…another legitimate, serious answer. Two out of forty five questions isn’t bad!)

46. What is your favorite candy?
Jelly Belly’s. I can’t get enough of those stupid things. So many flavors, so many calories, so darn tasty. Aint’ is always the case?

47. What is your favorite sports team?
I don’t really watch a whole lot of team sports. I’m much more of an individual sports sort of guy. In fact, I would almost say that I prefer something like Tennis (even though I don’t really like tennis) to something like Football. (This fact caused me an awful lot of problems growing up.) My favorite sport is most likely MMA. Two guys in a cage, punching each other in the face…it just doesn’t get much better than that, does it?

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
“1999” by Prince. Hopefully it’ll be sometime around 2050, so hearing that song blaring through the speakers would be about as lame as lame could possibly be…which is exactly how I would describe my life.

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Dreaming about my home town being flooded and monsters dragging people into the murky depths…wait…I already told you this, didn’t I? Hey, wait…this is question 49! ONLY ONE MORE TO GO! WHOO-HOO! I DID IT! I REALLY DID IT!!

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
Who gives a crap, I’M DONE WITH THIS THING! ALRIGHT! HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND! UP HIGH! DOWN LOW…too slow. (Wow…talk about ending this thing on a lame note. The high five joke? Seriously? Am I still me, or did I just turn into my grandfather?)

Steve

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