Restlessness (part 1)

As the clock clicked over to 4.00 am he sat there searching deep into what was left of his soul.
The darkness of night surrounded him, as he disliked the light, craved the dark, the dark removed some of the senses that reminded him of who he had become.
It had been a while now but he felt the slight pangs of hunger starting to stir.
Resisting them, he lit another cigarette and moved out on to the balcony.
There was no moon tonight, just a sense of the impending storm slowly moving towards the city.
The clouds moved quietly across the sky, blanking out the starlight as they came towards him.
Absently dragging on the cigarette he focused his thoughts, trying to control the twisted scenes playing over in his mind. Not yet he thought, I can resist the urge. Trying to convince himself that he had some sort of control over the growing hunger.
He knew it was a losing battle but he had to fight it, it was the only way he could save the little piece of his soul that remained.
As the raindrops began he flicked the butt over the rail following it descent with his eyes down to the deserted street below. How he longed to follow it. End it here and now. The temptation was huge but he knew that he wouldn’t, because it was pointless, he had survived worse falls. It would just draw attention to him again, and that was not what he wanted.
Standing there motionless he let the increasing rain pound against him as the thunder rolled across the horizon.
If only the rain could cleanse him, the thunder deafen him to his thoughts and the approaching lightning strike him down.
Time passed, the storm passed and he was left still standing there.
Sensing the approaching sunrise he retreated back indoors, closing the thick black curtains, ensuring the darkness would continue.
Removing the wet clothing he wrapped himself in the dark robe that hung on the door and turned on the computer.
This was the beginning, the hunger gnawed away at him, there was no use resisting, it would consume him in the end, it always did. The best he could hope for was to lengthen the period of time between the urges.
Trolling the too well known chat rooms he searched for the next likely downward spiral of his soul.
The internet he thought, how easy it made things, people offering themselves to the world, if only they knew that he and others like him existed.
Some wished to be like him, they had their own web pages, chat rooms and social gatherings, the fools, thinking that it was “cool” to be this way.
While the internet search took away the thrill of the hunt it made it a lot more safer and private to satisfy the urge.
He knew that he was hunted, that they were closing in on him, but they had been after him for years, he always outlived them. The thought of them actually catching him bought a smile to his face, at least it would be over, if only they knew how to actually finish it. The humanity of them would see him institutionalised, held and studied, not put to death as he deserved and desired.

Restlessness (part 1)


Risdon Vale, Australia

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