Humor is the Enemy of Depression

These are the top 6 place getters for this years awards.

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
‘What are my choices?’ the man asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,

‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the Supermarkets but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The assistant replied, ’I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said.

The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ‘Low Bridge Ahead.’Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truckies cab And said to the driver,‘Got stuck, eh?’

The truck driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!’


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.

‘Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-arsed young guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

‘What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, Well, I suppose you’d have to write with your other hand’.

1St. Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down, The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the Blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat. The Blonde replies, ’I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne and I’m staying right here!

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and
won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return to her original seat. The Blonde replies,

’I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne and I’m staying right here!’ Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the

Blonde who won’t listen to reason.

‘You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!’ The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, ‘Oh I’m sorry – I had no idea’, gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, ‘I told her First Class isn’t going to Melbourne’.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went
to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
‘Father … During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from
our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic .’

The priest replied: ‘That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that.’

There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and
sometimes twice on Sundays.’

The priest said, ‘That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.’

‘Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more

‘And what is that?’ asked the priest.

‘Should I tell her the war is over?’’

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists…

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out

with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Today is International Disturbed People’s Day

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend… just as I’ve done.

I don’t care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you’re friggin’ special

Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Today’s Message of the Day is :

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for some of the time….,
but while we’re here we should dance anyway.

Humor is the Enemy of Depression


Box Hill Sth, Australia

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