PAIN LAUGH PAIN LOL

This is a peice by a female friend who wants to remain anonymouse.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, make dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all waywardbody hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my buM cheek (it was a long strip)I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!! I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GODDDDD!!!!!!!!!Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half thestrip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stayconscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,breathe………………OK, back to normal.I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has causedme so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in theglory that is my triumph over body hair.I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair?WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. I amtouching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is nowcovered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIGmistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know Ineed to do something, so I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and thinkto myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll
run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub – The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit. Now,the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is havingthem glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…inscalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myselfto the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few monthsago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinkingsurely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s avery good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal butshe does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly wherethe wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown andshe suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we go through varioussolutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hotwax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving thesticky wax off!!By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’mpretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for thisevent. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my savinggrace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MYGOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. ‘IT WORKS!!It works !!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to mygrief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts.I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I’m going to try hair colour…..

PAIN LAUGH PAIN LOL

EON .

Box Hill Sth, Australia

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Artist's Description

A REAL STORY ABOUT Getting all Hairless where it can hurt. Brazilian in the suburbs you might say.

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