J.

My father warned me about boys like you. With deep brown eyes and a smile as warm as gods hand.
I looked at you and I saw mountain tops and soaring sky’s and somewhere in a field we laughed so freely it made my eyes fuzzy with longing. You were all I needed. All I had. I meant every fucking word I said.

Except when I said I hated you, I didn’t mean that. I see you in the drops of blood that run down my porcelain skin, you always said I was destined for great things. Well this is the closest thing I can think of, watching your ignorant words and the filth that you filled me with pour out of my lonely bones.

I kept them dwelling in there for so god damn long. They gnawed away at my shivering insides, spitting lies, slashing words and burning away every last bit of my self-worth. I’m nothing but an emptied out shell, weeping warm milk and tea leaves.

It hurts to be so empty. But if you were to ever ask, I would boast loudly about how whole I am, how my depression can’t seep through my happiness barrier, how I’m a strong person who’s able to dance through any situation hardly getting my clothes scorched by the licking flames and of course, how fucking lovely it is to not be loved.

You and home used to go together, home travelled near and far, it stood still, it moved swiftly, home brushed its fringe away from its eyes when frustrated and sang when happy.

Home was anywhere you happened to be. And now I’m a wanderer, no home, no heart, lonely as la luna in the nothingness of night. No, I never ever got stronger, I got more empty. But I will find strength and my god, I’ll find love within me somewhere.

J.

spiritwolf

Joined December 2010

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