ok this is the last time (seriously)

Lets plot to kill summer in hopes that the nightmares will drown the memories of spring. Her words irrational and unsteady. Persuasive on the verge of pleading. Aww come on WE HAVE FORGOTTEN STRANGER THINGS Than THE FEELING OF DESPAIR CRAWLING THE LENGTHS OF OUR BODIES LONG SLINDER SPIDER LIKE LEGS REACHING GRIPPING FLESH leaving imprints in its passing ONLY TO REST ON OUR TOUNGES AS WE STAND IN AWW oh what a tangled web. Spring has lied to us has made us lovers when we should only have been passing thoughts in the mind of god. Lets do it. While The martyrs are asleep drunken in the alleyways behind the taverns that line the streets of our heartbeats lets murder summer. Because heart break is for the birds and my home isn’t large enough to accommodate my wingspan. She is so selfish I thought, intervention I thought even though We share our souls openly often I find myself wondering why her half is bigger than mine

So this is how it ends she said. I guess so I responded hopelessly , look there is no reason to soul search anymore there is no way out therefore I know its in there. She hates me I can feel it I can smell it thick greasy the stuff that clots minds and squeezes life into such tiny compartments. I know that she wishes to Devastate me ruin me dream me interrupt that dream and erase m! not spring, and not the memory of. She wishes to disrupt my Circadian rhythms further complicating this percussion in my mind why don’t you go ahead and damn me and end this stale mate. There we stood face to face Finger painted portraits from a blind man our contorted face somehow seem less tortured and among the splatter of blood and fanfare you find traces of smiles and relief she tells me to pray but to prey is to be a predator and you are what you eat so I am a prayer. If only I could make that make since to me. And she says write it down.

Dear Jane,
Should I began a letter like this impersonal sterile seemingly not even knowing your name. am I that different now? How are you have you forgotten me yet?

THERE ARE MORE GIANTS THAN STONES HERE

I’m tired of singing love songs in past tense but then again I cant sing I usually just hum the melody off key trying to unlock the memory of those women that I have made the object of my affection in the past

Ask you to let me be once instead you let me become a notional being in your imagination constant and changing knowing that only change is constant

We somehow got lost on this excursion. Forgot our names by converting our native tongue to civility and waging a war in the vast killing fields of our minds.

All I ask is for you to be happy. How could she mean that when my heart was breaking before her had been broken before her and when I was broken before her. I haven’t slept in days and I have all but forgotten what it is to dream. So she tells me of hers. Of white picket fences somewhere in the suburbs and perennials planted in stable earth sleeping in her true loves arms in the garden on warm nights and the like…… pause…….. I fight tears my mind light years beyond that and beyond that im trapped in between the concentric circles of she loves me she loves me not she digs me she digs a plot bury me in that soft newness of separation. But she is a necromancer raising me in the manner of Lazarus through this ritual of ink and blood letting. But you are my beautiful I said you are free in this place where I buy my uglies just like anybody else whole sale and truth be told from what I tell I can see that this is gonna be ugly she wants to let go and I don’t know how but I do it anyway leaving that ink to bleed through jagged edges bleeding through the broken segments of what used to be --pause——-they say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and as these eyes behold her bold her and the man that once was statuesque now only chips of boulders lay scattered where he used to stand ……pause…….she tries to jogg my memory but I cant keep pace I cant keep up so she puts me down remember that time she says remember that time she says remember that time when you were afraid and I held you cradled you birthed you labeled you made you a man funny this whole time I was giving credit to a rough life hold on hold tight hold your breath and wish nigga wish that you could feel her like slaves felt freedom for the first time wish you could free your mind and your ass will follow wish you could swallow that pride and love me.

ok this is the last time (seriously)

sometimes

Killeen, United States

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  • PJ Ryan
  • PJ Ryan
  • sometimes
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