Mistakes Made

This is for my mother, who even now in my older years I still mess up and she’s always there for me. And also this is my way of saying"Thank you " to her because I never did……….. First about me, I come from a “normal dysfunctional family” Parents divorced, dad alcoholic, mom depressed. And me and my 2 brothers, who are 9 and 8 years my senior. Pretty much I was always a good kid, growing up with my gramma awhile the folks went threw their own little world of bitter divorce. This lasted till my gamma became sick and died when I was 7 and I was forced to return to live with my mom , and become the device in which they used against each other. Neither really wanting me, but not wanting the other to either. My mom worked all the time, and was going threw depression at the same time. Being a single mom and all with 3 kids to raise. Back then doctors really didn’t know much about depression like now adays,so she had it really tough as a single mom all on her own. Another fact I never realized till my older years. I was a normal selfish kid, only thinking of my own pain and anger. Blaming the easiest person to, for my world being turned up side down, my Mom. So I had all this pain and rage stored up inside of me, growing every moment with no outlet at all and being as my mom had her own problems , no one to talk to either. So I started skipping school at age 12, smoking, and yes even drinking. I went from a sweet shy kid and turned into as my mom use to love calling me “Evil Incarnated” which I was. I’d sooner spit in your face then show any respect at all to anybody. I also developed these"blackout" rages. There was no reason for all this rage but it was there and I took it out on everyone. Even one time <much to my horror> when I came out of one I had a knife at my mom’s throat. I simply dropped the knife and walked out of the house, not returning for 4 years. The worst part, I knew I was wrong in doing everything I did. I had the control and power to stop it, and not once did I ever try to . I thought I knew everything. Well knowing everything made me give my mom nervous breakdowns and landed me in foster home after foster home. People actually got paid extra to keep me I was so “unsettling” to them. In 2years I went threw 2 foster agencies and over 100 homes and was facing going to juvenile prison , and not because I ever go into trouble with the law ,but simply because no one could control me. So I started playing the foster agencies little mind games and became this miracle kid who did a160 turn around and was “healed” Bull, I just got smarter at not getting caught at stuff. But during this time I also made one of the biggest mistakes of my life…I got pregnant at age 15, because I knew everything and thought that since because my parents didn’t love me, then I’d have my own child to love and show them how it was done. Least to say my foster parents stood by me with my decision not to have a abortion (please let me clear this up also , I do fully believe in abortion, it just wasn’t for me.)When my mom found out , she was so disappointed in me but never said a word about it. That was the first time I ever felt regret in one of my actions and the pain of one also. Remorse in a action was totally alien to me. I still went to school during the pregnancy, and when it came time to have him, my mom was the one who was there with me the 5 days of my labor and of my almost death also . So my son was born , who I named after my 2 brothers. And I took him home with me back to the foster home I had been at the longest. My foster parents said I could stay with them, and raise my son. But even then I knew I could not do this, I was way to young and didn’t realize fully what I had gotten myself into . I made the hardest decision of my life and on my 16th birthday ,exactly one month after he was born , I gave my son up for adoption. Walking into that building holding my one month old son, this tiny little person I created and loved with my whole heart, handing him over to a stranger broke my heart. Losing him I lost apart of my soul that day and the pain and regret is there even to this day every time I openly eyes in the morning. A few years later I got married and so on…kept making mistakes even though I turned my life around. And threw it all ,my mom has been there, to either bail me out or just pick me up to go out to lunch. I know I’m one of the biggest disappointments to her and the only time I have ever heard otherwise from her was when she was in the hospital and she told me she was proud of me for how I am raising my kids now. I cried , I swore she was dying because she told me that, and even when she got better, it’s never been mentioned again to this day. To the young women out there, I’ve been there feeling like noone loves you and having all those feelings that just seem to have no end of the pain or loneliness. Or feeling like there is no one to talk to ,like your parents. First , sex does not substitute love, I tired that and paid with my heart at the loss. And also even if your mom might be like mine, someone who has a hard time showing love and emotions, it’s still there. You have to find a way of talking to your mothers and them to you. Enjoy your life , because I’d hate to see others go threw what I did or worse. Because trust me I did. I’ve been threw hell . It’s so hard to change , but it is worth it to get your self on the right track in life. The hardest thing you will ever have to do in life is to live it. Always keep your pride and don’t settle for “False love” of sex , just because you either don’t want to be alone or to get back at your parents, whatever the reason . It’s truly not worth it and it’s something I teach my own kids. To believe in themselves and to rely on themselves before others. To have the faith they need to survive in this world. Something I wish I had known about back then. And always remember your mother will always be by your side. Or even your father. But we’re never truly alone,it’s the walls we build around ourselves that keep us alone. Growing up is hard, and it doesn’t get any easier as you get older either. But life is what we make of it. Whether we enjoy it or simply exist in it. Life is always a choice, one of the great things about it, free will. To be able to chose to be who we want and to not “settle” for less.

Mistakes Made


Triadelphia, United States

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