Ape #28

A drill is a tool made of an iron ore rod with razor-sharp trenches engraved in a spiraling pattern around its core. Usually power-driven, it’s used to quickly and efficiently carve a hole out of any solid material such as wood, metal or stone.

Nitrous Oxide is a gas developed using the same theory as the nuclear bomb. Once produced to a mass level, it was treated as an aspiratory anesthetic during minor surgeries. It induces a sleep like state of consciousness in preparation for an otherwise painful procedure. Due to its mind-altering effects, in most experimental situations, it is not used for control purposes.

A primate is the order of animalia in which humans are found, as well as chimpanzees, apes, and monkeys. Marked with opposable thumbs and furry body, most species labeled “primate” have related and comparable physical and mental traits. Some people would even argue the chimpanzee is the most intelligent of any animal other than humans.

Eloendra is an “unknown” project funded by our tax dollars to provide an artificial adrenaline “spice” that increases the body’s metabolism enabling you to eat more and gain less. It was to be sold out, once FDA approved, to Alpha Foods, Inc. (who operates most, if not all the distributors you purchase grocery goods from.) The plan was to sprinkle this tasteless chemical compound into the common foods you eat today. And you, unknowingly and unwillingly, consume that unmarked good without ever gaining an ounce, ad buying more and more of the same. Unfortunately, upon the presence of the FDA, a non-organic control made exceedingly high marks and put the Eloendra group look seemingly… inefficient. Because of the general ethics and probable risk the officials denied further human testing.

So, with all logic and good mind, and without any promotion of possible risk on an organic subject, they put the order in to ship 30 South American Chimpanzees to their test labs.

Upon arrival, 6 of the 30 chimps were found suffocated in the 2 foot cubic wooden crates they travelled in. The rest, coated in a thick layer of their own urine and feces, resorted to eating most, if not all, the hair from all four limbs for nourishment. All 24 were then transferred to their living quarters, individual cages with 3 walls and a barred steel system of escape-proof chicken wire. The more aggressive primates were subdued during this relocation, and because the syringes were not properly prepared, air was injected directly into the bloodstream. Another chimpanzee was killed by an avoidable intravenous embolism.After a full night of screeching, shaking, and sorrow, the 23 animals would begin testing. First, a group of 7 would be identified as the control group. Then, 8 would be given a low-dose of Eloendra. And, respectively, the remaining 8 receive a high-dose. Needless to say, the adrenaline aspect of this product sent certain chimps to the loony-bin and they were diagnosed with permanent brain damage. By the point of an ink-pen scheduled for a humane group euthinazation. This mistake brought up the strategy of one-by-one testing.Another sleepless night and 2 dry rice meals later, the self-proclaimed scientists choose one frightened female chimp by prime biological make-up and escorted her across the hall. There, a small MRI machine designed specifically for the rebellious ones waited with an almost evil ambiance. A white lab coat is removed from the wall and wrapped around Dr. Progressivism. Still stiff from the intense anti-bacterial bath endured the night before, it’s already prepped with the basic tools of scientific engagement. Even his nametag is already clipped to the coats chest pocket.

For the sake of denouncing his level of involvement, were the FDA to burst in with cameras and clipboards, Dr. Preparation’s name would find a flame and a garbage bin.

The highly unstable furious creature was taken by all fours and held in midair until she grew tired from struggling. Meanwhile, Dr. “Forthegoodofman” flipped a variety of switches and pressed an assortment of multi-flavored buttons. The machine roared awake and spat out a metal drawer. Lights flashed against every wall of the room. Almost unnoticeable iron hooks boarder the stainless steel shelf, both polished with a primer.

For easy clean-up if necessary.

The team of scientists mingled and spoke in tongues before the lower-class Doctors fetched a complete series of burlap cuffs. He threaded these monstrous biddings through the iron hooks that were welded on twice over. Each cuff wrapped around a different hook the same way the lab coat was wrapped around Dr. Faceless’ arms and waist.

From that point, the two amateurs suspending our furry friend nodded at one another and carried her to the drawer. With what little energy she had left, she flinched with the cold hard surface, and she didn’t make a move when they tied her down with those burlap cuffs.

As if he were paid in gold to do it, the head doctor checked all the vitals before he sent that breathless chimp into the flashing light vortex of brain scans and health diagnosis. With a simple press of a red LED button, we could find out the exact make-up of our minds. And with the simple addition of a couple drops of Eloendra, we could change that make-up indefinitely, and for the better.

The miracles of modern medicine.

With the hungry, sleepy and frightened primate inside, the machine roared, then growled, then made a high-pitched sound that could shatter glass. Luckily, no glass was within the frequencies reach.

For the scientists safety.

A computer screen next to the MRI sparked on and engaged small legible letters across the linear midpoint reading “scanning…” All 3 scientists glared at the machine, making sure the patient was as comfortable and reassured as possible. What sounded like a mind crucifixion later, an alarm went off from somewhere behind this mechanical beast. Dr. NoMistakes rushed into action, and composed a symphony of button pressing and lever adjusting. The machine went silent and the team wheeled out the drawer. The screen read “loading results…” from the corner. The 3 scientists stood around the dazed primate while they waited for the stainless polish to stop sizzling. Clouds of grey crawled up and around her neck and chest while the smell of burnt hair and aerosol filled the room.

Photosensitive epilepsy is a psychiatric disorder where flashing or instantaneous illuminations trigger a seizure that leaves the victim confused, depressed, ashamed or even temporarily insane. According to the basic laws of science-grounded mental anatomy, this small “brain attack” is associated with the stem/spinal region of the skull. This location leads to an uncontrollable, violent vibration that echoes from limb to limb with upmost intensity.

Days later, 7 more chimpanzees passed away due to an entire value menu of various reasons such as lack of nutrition (starvation), cannibalism, and severe weight loss. 8 primates were euthanized because of their increase in mental stability. The remaining 8 suffered strong mobility deprivation and thus, became too weak to struggle at all. This put the doctors and scientists in a position of blended urgency and simulated ease. One-by-one the primates were carried off without a sound. And on-by-one, under the dimmed lighting of an artificial twilight, brought back more silent than before.

Perhaps it was the testing, perhaps they had simply lost the will to keep breathing, but 6 of those “patients” grew all their hair back, and slipped off into a purgatorial dream of white coats, radiation and attributed weight loss from their sensory concrete cages.

A month past the date of the previous FDA visit, only 2 chimps survived hours of scanning, strict borderline anorexic diets laced with Eloendra, drills in and out of various bones, skin, tissues, brains, organs, and a month of fighting for living space against intrusive lice, ticks, worms, and latex gloves. But I suppose this is the cost of you losing a few pounds. It’s the price to pay for AlphaFoods selling a few more truckloads of groceries.

Me, I’ve come face-to-face with the nametag of the monsters and been kept in the same cage as this suffering primates.

And so have you.

Meijer is a privately owned and operated business out of Grand Rapids, Michigan. Started in 1955 by a family in Kalamazoo, it has since been the single greatest threat to a monopolistic Wal-mart taking over in the Midwest. With 57 stores in Michigan, Illinois, Ohio, Indiana and Kentucky, Meijer has captured the heart of millions of consumers in our area.

Ape #28


Joined July 2008

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the miracles of modern medicine

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