it’s a troubling feeling when you realize something you don’t want to realize. particularly, if that something is that you aren’t able to trust certain once-special someone(s) because of the debilitating immaturity that comes with age (this would more appropriately be described in less perfunctory arbitrary type terms, but i hope that unfortunately for me, age is the distinctive attribute that would predict this type of behavior, especially in certain XY creatures, and can be expected to diminish as time continues as it does – though too many XXes exhibit this behavior as well, albeit in more “mini-ruffled pink Ugg boot Louis bag” wearing type ways)…but, i digress.

again, unfortunately for me, within remains the (now much smaller) conflict between “explanation” (time-worthy) “apathy” (not time-worthy) and “understanding-acceptance” (time-balance) in how to interact. thankfully (i think) i’ve reached some type of balance between the “explanation” and “apathy” – to come to an ad-hoc amalgamation of “understanding-acceptance”…which i reinforce with a slightly created “busi-ness” (which interestingly enough is how we spell business – capitalism’s underlying attempt to distract us from ourselves? — i’ll leave that for you to mull through) between work, home, clubs, restaurants and the east/west side highways…new jersey and brooklyn look much better at night, but this is coming from a new yorker (in mindset, not longevity), so take it as you will.

the more it happens, the more i get closer to apathy – which won’t turn into bitterness. and perhaps this is the best understanding i can have right now that will keep me sane. (short, abrupt, i know – there are just too many thoughts going through my head right now to put them all down on electronic paper – especially when i choose to be so thorough with each thought…it just keeps building and building, growing. no wonder i get so apprehensive around blown-up plastic balloons – the anxiety overwhelms me to a certain point, and then, suddenly the balloon just pops, and it’s done. i suppose waiting for something is usually more exciting than actually getting it – but when the excitement and anxiety don’t end after said reception, then, just then perhaps you’ve got something good)

high standards for marriage and lower levels committments of any kind? yes. let’s see if this is something i continually choose to stick to…

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