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A reply to Dale…

A reflection dedicated to my friend Deb and to Dale..

I too have stood on that edge not so long ago… My mind was overloaded with pain and I saw no way forward… I could not go back .. to do that I would be lost in another way…In fact I was alredy so lost that I wasnt sure who I was anymore… So there I stood on the edgfe of that cliff.. I began to take the first step.. My foot wavered in the air..BUT something in my HEART overtook my brain and it reminded me that to make that step would be so cruel… For I wouuld leave many that I knew loved me… The pain, hurt, anger, lonelinees, fought hard against the love… finally love won and my foot returned to solid ground.. Still I stood withmy toes at the edge… Looking out into the forever…for an eternity (or so it seemed) I stood until my legs began to quiver…my knees began to buckle.. I realised that I must step back fromthe edge or fall forward into that blank place.. one step back.. then another… then I collapse at the edge and I lay there and wonder did I make the right decision… Love continued to float throught my thoughts but pain worked hard against it.

After a second eternity I realised that my face was wet with tears.. my nose run down my face…my chest heaved…my body ached… pain…love…pain..love…love…love…

Finally I CHOOSE LIFE…. I still did not know who I was.. Where I was going… What I would do… I simply knew that LIFE and LIVING was the ONLY CHOICE… I stood on trembling legs… took a deep breath… and turned my back on the edge… I walked away I DID NOT LOOK BACK… for fear that the beyond may call me again… I was not strong… slowly I stumbled away further and further from the edge…

Soon I began to feel again.. feel something other than pain… Although now I had to deal with regret, regret for pain I caused to others as I stood on the edge and they alled to me…

So now I take one step at a time… I look at today only and make my way through the minefield that at anytime could send me back towards that edge… But what those demons inside me feeding the pain do not understand is that I have made the CHOICE.. I will NEVER return to the edge withthe intent of stepping over into forever…
I still face pain. rejection, anger,and other destructive feelings but I will continue to focus on what is GOOD in my life… Some days that is difficult others are easier… Many are hard fought where every minute is counted…Step by step… Look for the light… For there are special things to experience and I CHOSE to continue to steo away from the edge…
One step at a time….

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Rosemaree

RedLion, Australia

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