SILENCE versus THE FURIES

This is being the fourth day of unmerciful week summer heat….many wishing to feel it, for this year, sumer time, has come so late…so late. Taking the usual speed for going for some fruit shopping. In this way…speeding…one is having another notion of acting something out, that is not at all to my liking, today…. in these so hot noons.
The blessing. A singing that it has emerged out of my memories. Some Tao-Te-King´s verses reminding about Silence, those I had learned some time ago, and that I avidily tried to memorize, while I was dressing myself for going out. (The rituals). It speaks like this…flooding like magic.

“Lift the vanity up on the highest
Defend the Silence until it reaches its plenitude,
in a way that all the things will be heightened together….”

And so…and so…

I am then….able to memorize and keep on sipping from this “soul substance”..and started to trot gaily under the sun and stuffy heat , trying not to notice how my skin was being pressed unto my veins, my veins protruding out to the skin and the clothes feeling terrible shroud of hell..prespiration wild, heart fast. And yet not a complaining. Mind steadfast..longing for that strange supermarket´s air-conditioning effect , that it has a double effect on you. Firstly it makes you feel like breathing…refreshing…and all of a sudden as if the pores would be shrinked and had to vomit the accumulated prespiration..then you are like in an “inversed sauna”…that is the madness of being cold and hot at the same time.

I did a quick overview of my needs. And then, I noticed that I had forgotten to bring my eye-glasses….and this can be a problem. But as I am able to read without problem the price of the items I have bought (rather, taken…for buying will be a bit later), I readily trot to the “fast cash register”…you know those devices where you practically “self-service” yourself with the scanning and paying for all your items. All smooth… but as I got coming to a tomato package…the machine, ddid not want to scan the code. I repeated the quite easy operation of passing the bar code before the “light” but it did not want to cooperate. Then I asked the employer that was in charge as a “help” (for one reason or other nothing is so quick to our understanding and the machines are not so efficient as they have promised us)…"hello….sorry but the machine does not read the code". Then…she that since I entered into the supermarket was being the quintessence of hurriedness and hyper-efficiency (though there was not really a crowd at that moment on the cash boxes then ) started to tell me in high voice to me from some meters away…¡"you have to type yourself the code!!"….well…my inner answer was “shit….I have not got the glases”….but the outer expresión to her..was somehow (I beleive somehow…meek) “oh…but it happens that I have forgotted the glasses at home”..well..then, instead of getting helpy to me, she even went farther away while moving very fussingly around and shouting again ….“You (and that refering to all of the customers and not just myself) must come here with the glasses”. Then I started to react as I would not have imagined I would have really…but it was revealing. High pitched voice, not a second for a breathing, absolutely outraged, and with a desire to bite her her yugular vein. “But ..this is excepcional…I usually bring my glasses with me.” Then…a kind young customer that was in the next to me machine….kindly told me…"I will type it for you". Was not so easy…for her, at the second trying the machine stupidily says “This item cannot be paid in this cashier”….she did not take notice of the advice and tried again…and voilá!…..item scanned at last!!!
Meanwhile..the employer was fluttering around me shouting around me with admonishing remarks and myself answering back to her each second more enraged and not finding a a bit of sympathy in her soul.
Well..at I decided to cool myself a bit down. And keeping on scanning the other products….and this time….happened..a second ítem that the machine did not want to accept it as "scannable"…I went to her again…quite educately, and she again started to storm me up a bit, telling things like “You must do it all for yourself….I am not here for scanning your ítems, you can go to the regular cashiers if you want someone to do all for you….” I was then, at the top of my voice, protesting like mad…without any result, she …cold as a mouse trapped in a hole. Then…as I was becoming hotter and hotter and she did not show any kind of complacency towards me….I cried out " it seems to me that you have got your brain down in your feet" (I know…I know a metaphor but clear…) then she “well…I have not ofended you at all, and you are offending me”.Me….“well…you have already offended me from the very start…treating a customer as if it would be an idiot or a little scolding child and in high voice for everyone to get notice of it!!”. …..Well…what to tell…!!

I refrained a bit (more to get the discussion to an end than for remorse)…once the ticket was paid and got to her to excuse myself for what I had told. Then she…accepted my excuses yes…but started again with her bluffing and bullying . And telling me that she was not there for any help to the customer but to tell them “what to do”…….aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!…. and that If I was angry I could always protest in the claiming office…….aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh…..lost battle..lost battle….a battle I never could have thought I could initiate…Was it the heat?…..was it the employer?…was it…..but then…what was it..really?

" I have to tell all this….I have to tell all this…I has to tell all this…" I walked down my way home , running like a rabbit with a dog behind the tail, as if this unfortunate employer of the super-market was still harassing at me with her manifested sense of superiority and my humiliated soul, just enraged and prespirating blood that was coming out of my tongue.

So I am telling it to you. What for?…because I think that Silence has been grinding its teeth to me, with a sheer sarcasm, as if showing me that it is there..behind the Furies…behind the drama, behind the things that the soul uses for feeding itself up all the mornings, noons or afternoons….and that any of this is a reality, but a masking shape of ectoplasmatic emotions that are there dumping, mingling, being touched and burned…and that it was a real moment for forgiving myself for being a nusiance to and that soul…the employer for being a nusiance (but at last a help….I must say) for my “happy-hippy-taoist-” heart.

Guilt is not so bad….beleive me. It is another showing off…of decency. What it is flattering me down is the fact that when I was so hot and angered…none of the “make-up” was there. I was not minding the effect. I was natural…as a volcano. I was..in a way “free”. And a real sense of energy was flooding out of me. The problem was that it was quite a depletion…a wasting out of my own power. This time…I felt "defeat"…and now, when I am seeing it in due perspective… makes me smile. She did not win…I did not. Hope I will have time to make amends with her….next time. May be..tomorrow.
Rosa

SILENCE versus THE FURIES

RosaCobos

Bilbao, Spain

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