One Day A Drive But Always a Lifetime

I drove three hours in the snow to sit with you today. I would have driven forever just to be by your side. The way I see it, one day a drive but always a lifetime.

I look at you sleeping next to the dripping bags and tubes. The needle is stuck inside and taped to your hand. Your port isn’t working. I know it hurts this way.

I’d like to say you look like an angel, peaceful, at rest. The reality is, you look like you’re 100 years old right now. It breaks my heart.

If only I could take away your pain and your fears. I wish I could magically chew them and spit them out, or better yet, like the movie The Green Mile, give them to someone who deserves them, some horrible beast, not you.

You’ve told me your fears,“What if it’s not working?” I don’t have an answer. I too think “what if it’s not working,” because I can’t imagine you not being here. I can’t imagine the person who I’ve laughed with most during my entire life not being here to laugh with me or cry with me at the stupidest movies and commercials.

I don’t believe you won’t be here for a long time. I don’t believe it because I know there are so many more “mother may I’s” and “umbrella steps” ahead of us, more laughing at sharing desserts down to splitting the little leaf at the top of the strawberry.

Remember when we went to the French restaurant with the waiters in tuxedos who at the end of the night took off their little bow ties, sat and laughed along with us?

How about when we went to the Hamptons and I hated it because the people were so plastic and I told that stuck up waiter “I don’t want the new potatoes. I want the old, dried up crusty ones.”

How many hours have we spent laughing until our sides hurt and we almost threw up? There is no one on earth I’ve laughed with as much as you.

You know my secrets. You know my fears. You know my insecurities. You know my neuroses. You know me better than I know myself. You can even see my tears through my laughing when that happens. No one else has that ability.

Right now you’re asleep. Your mouth is wide open. I guess this isn’t the time or the place to shove my finger in.

You just snored and opened your eyes for a second. You must have read my thoughts and knew that even here, you aren’t safe from my antics.

I want you to know, through it all, every argument, every fight, every unkind word or action we ever took toward one another, when it came to the important things, you’ve always been there.

When we were kids, did you ever think we’d become first time moms in our 40’s? Not exactly how I imagined our play dates, but they still are fun, even if we’re ready to go to bed before the kids. (I don’t think their sleep overs will ever be more fun than ours.)

I’m sorry I hate your cooking and I’m sorry that I won’t promise to eat it in the future. I do promise I’ll never again blurt out “OMG this is disgusting what is it?”

I love your defiance about things when you know what is right for you. I even love your defiance at not losing all of your hair when everyone, including the doctors said you would. You are amazing!

Giving the toast at your wedding might have actually meant more to me than it did to you. I meant what I said, I may not always agree with your decisions, but I will always respect them, and I always respect you. (…and that I did agree with your decision that day, lol.) You will always be my big sister. There will always be something about you that I want to be just like. These days, I want your spirit. You are so beautiful.

We are completely different, but of the same blood. I understand and know you do too. Blood might make us sisters but it doesn’t make us friends. Hearts make us friends and I cherish yours and hold it close to mine in thought and in action.

I’m glad what I’m saying isn’t anything new or overdue. It’s just that times like these make me realize, even if just a tiny bit more, how much I thank you and love you.

One Day A Drive But Always a Lifetime

Rikki Woods

Joined October 2009

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Artist's Description

Featured in Lifeline

Written during my sister’s chemo treatment yesterday.

1/29/09

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