Morning Breath

He rolled over to give me a big juicy morning kiss and asked, “At what point during the night do you eat the shit balls?” This might have been the most romantic thing he ever said. Well, maybe not. I think telling me that my negligee wasn’t flattering might have been slightly more romantic, especially because it was so well timed, being the night he put the engagement ring on my finger. There is no irony that there is now a huge EX in front of his former title of Fiancé.

Morning breath is never sweet
It doesn’t matter what you eat
It sometimes smells like dirty feet
Or even worse like rotten meat

I’m not a morning person. Come to think of it I’m not really an evening person either. I think I’m more of a one p.m. to four thirty kind of person. This being said, I have learned to use my morning breath as a weapon. I have two sisters. One of them is very perky in the morning. I don’t do perky. NEVER! – Especially not before noon, and that’s pushing it. One morning when we were teens I was in the bathroom on the toilet. This sister found it appropriate to come right on in. Upon her grand entrance, in her favorite perky voice full of blue birds of happiness, she chirped “good morning my little baby sister.” I looked up and shot fire from my eyes. This was not enough to frighten her away. Instead she continued to sing and wish me a great day. With one finger I motioned her to approach. She should have known better. I got her to come very close to my face, tricking her into believing she was going to get a good morning kiss (mind you, I was still on the toilet). Instead, I grabbed her face and as hard as I could, puffed bad breath at her and told her to go away. It was the last time she said good morning first.

Morning breath while on the bowl
Sorry, it I can’t control
You know I will never extole
It smells just like a septic hole

Thirteen years ago I gave up smoking. With that, my morning breath changed. I’m not exactly saying it now smells like roses, but it definitely isn’t as bad as it used to be. My six year old finds it quite amusing actually. However, I have learned – payback is a bitch. Not sure if it’s my husband’s diabetes or that he brushes his teeth after he eats rather than right before bed, but as he rolls over to give me a big juicy morning kiss, I often wonder at what point during the night he eats the shit balls.

Morning Breath

Rikki Woods

Joined October 2009

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Artist's Description

I think the title is descriptive enough.

Featured in Lifeline 11/11/09

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