It is an absolutely gorgeous day in the Cemetery…the sky is clear blue, the birds are chirping, the cows are heard off in the distance. And I am sitting by my dear Rey, with a silly heart balloon by his grave, tracing my finger in the letters that spell his name, and looking up into the endless sky for answers…I am still in a “mist of disbelief”, so aptly described by another sister in widowhood; you wander around like a lost puppy; stumbling about, clumsily bumping into unexpected reminders of your loved one’s absence. And then you crumble. Into a useless mess. Until you peer around again, looking for something, anything, to bring you back to the reality you need to face. It is an inner struggle that you have no clue how to deal with…because it is the end of your world. It is the start of a new strange life, consisting of endless nights of tears; mornings of dragging yourself out of bed, to face another day realizing once again…he is not here. Days of cardboard existence, grappling with the every day necessities of life…a life now alone; and you must make it up as you go along…yet, as I sit on the grass, feeling the sun on my face, a gentle breeze rustling through the treetops, the serenity of nature around me…in the midst of my pain; there is life all around me; and yes, the sun does goes on shining…to remind me of the precious gift I had; and that I am still alive, and he is with me; and I must go on.
First Valentines Day Without Him