A few Reasons to Drink (If you actually need a reason)

Birthday.

You just turned 21 and you’re now legally able to purchase and drink alcohol. Why not celebrate your new found abilities by guzzling down 6 shots of tequila, a six-pack of beer and removing several articles of clothing right there in the liquor store. I’m sure the owner will be so impressed with your ability to hold your liquor that he will actually throw in a bottle of “lack of dignity” for free.

Job Promotion.

So you just got a promotion at work and you’re happy as hell. What better way to celebrate your bosses ability to see your calm, well-thought-out and responsible personality but by going into a bar with your friends and drinking until the next presidential election. Chances are your hangover will be as gentle as a dominatrix, but that’s ok, you’re the new chief adviser of punctuality at your workplace now. No one will notice that you walked into work at 2pm. No one.

Baby on the way.

Jump for joy, you’re going to be a father. Have a drink for this festive occasion. On the other hand. Holy shit you’re going to be a father. Start drinking now to run away from it all. Parenthood is truly wonderful experience that can help both parents become stronger, smarter, more mature and responsible individuals. Unfortunately, you got in this position, not by careful planning, but because she was drunk, you were drunk, you had a year old condom in your wallet, and you both chose the wrong time to be horny. Plus realizing how much money, time and effort you are going to have to be spending on this child will have you running to the liquor store faster than you can say “Are you sure I’m the father?”

To have sex.

Now I’m not talking about giving a girl or guy so much alcohol so as to impair his or her judgment to the extent that they decide you’re the most beautiful person in the world, and as a reward for you god given beauty they sleep with you. No, that’s just wrong. What I’m talking about here is a situation where both individuals are down for consensual sex, but lack the ability to relay the message. “Are he going to fuck me tonight or is he just going to sit there steering into my bra?” “Should I hold her hand and slowing take this relationship to the next step, or should I start with dirty name calling and rip her cloths off?” who needs the stress of thoughtful decision making when you can just have a few drinks and let nature and years of porn watching takes its course.

Drinking Games.

What better way to liven up a party and make new friends but by excessively indulging in alcohol forced onto you via a drinking game. Take the facebook drinking game for instance. A game satanically designed to get all the players drunk. Here’s how you play. First you get 2 or more laptops and sign onto facebook on each of them. You bring up the players profiles and then the drinking ensues. If any players profile picture is that of a celebrity or music group or anything other than themselves, they drink, depending on how many of these they have. If the players are members of Farmville or mafia wars, they drink. All players with friends to whom they don’t know personally, they drink. All players whose profile comments consist of 2 or more “lol”, you drink twice. All players whose comments generally boil down to just letters e.g. (lol, omg, wtf, lmfao) you drink an entire six-pack. And that’s just some of the rules. So if you have a strong hatred for brain cells but you love you some facebook , then I recommend the facebook drink game. And no, I won’t play it with you.

Funerals.

Jason: “Oh John, why did you have to risk your life to save that little boy from being hit by that car? Oh john, you were so brave, you were my best friend, and I hope to see you one day in heaven.”

Christopher: “Dude, Jerry died from alcohol poisoning after and all-night kegger. He didn’t try and save no kid. They just found him on some dudes lawn.”

Jason: “oh yeah. Oh well, better luck next time bitch.

We all know it. Funerals are sad, depressing and good mood killing occasions. But that’s where alcohol comes in. Turn that frown upside and have a nice cold beer. Looking like a sad pile of depressed muscles wont bring your father back little guy. Body shots all around. Because not doing so would make your wife rip-off her newly gained halo and come down to earth and kick your ass Bob. You see, funerals and liquor go hand in hand. And why shouldn’t you drink to excess at a funeral, you just lost a loved one didn’t you? You owe it to them to get where they are by drinking yourself unconscious. That way you both will be happy.

Lost your job.

Remember when you got that job promotion and decided to celebrate by drink your body weight in beer? Well now it all seems like a really bad idea since you got fired for it. Who comes into work hours late the day after they get a promotion to a job all about worker punctuality? I’ll tell you who, you. But hell, it’s just a job, just a stupid job. And this is just beer, just 13 cans of beer. And that’s oncoming traffic, just silly oncoming traffic.

A few Reasons to Drink (If you actually need a reason)

Cameron Roberts

Brooklyn, United States

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Artist's Description

Humor article about the wonders of beer.

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beer humor

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