Should she?

“What do you do when the only person who ever meant anything leaves you?” she whispered to herself as she sat in the darkness of her room, a tear slowly streaming down her face.
In the past things like this made her fall apart. She wouldn’t think, she would just act on her feelings. She would go out and drink until she couldn’t remember why she was drinking to begin with. Or if that wasn’t an option she would lock herself in her room for hours only to reappear with perfect cuts on her wrists. She never thought about it before.
But tonight was different. This time she had a lot to lose. She had already lost someone who really loved her, she had one thing left, her best friend. She wasn’t sure if they were still friends, or if they were more, or if maybe the last few months had made them nothing. She hoped that they could at least stay friends, “I don’t know if I can go on if I lose you…” she had said that night when her friend had pulled away yet again.
It started out rather simple, she knew she was in love with her from the start. She had tried to hide it but once the secret was out they realized they both felt the same way about each other. But of course her friend wasn’t ready for the commitment, she was afraid of what people would think, how her parents would react. So she had chosen to wait, after all she was worth it, wasn’t she?
And then summer came. At first the distance wasn’t a big deal, hard but now impossible. Then she ran into her ex-girlfriend. She told her nothing could happen, she was waiting for her friend to be ready. But once again she wasn’t thinking about her feelings and got drunk. One thing led to another and things were changed forever. She tried to explain to her friend that it meant nothing, it was just a drunken mistake. She even went so far as to call her ex and tell her that she never wanted to speak to her again. “I HATE YOU!” she had screamed into the phone and the tears poured from her eyes.
Things never did go back to the way they were before. Her friend broke up with her boyfriend and she thought that it was finally her turn. And then, like everything else in her life, her hope was shot down. Her friend got another boyfriend. She felt like her heart and been crushed, she could feel like knife stab into her chest and she shivered when she thought about the huge gaping hole in her chest now.
But she hid this well. No one knew how hurt she was. No one saw the pain in her eyes every time her friend brought up this boy. As the days went on she turned back to the drinking, the drugs, the walls she built. She couldn’t let them see her fall, not again. Too many times in the past had she been broken, this time they wouldn’t know.
Now as she sat at home in her dark room staring at the knife laying in front of her, she had a decision to make. She knew if she did it her friend would be gone forever, but what if her friend was already gone? What if things were already beyond repair? Would it really hurt anyone but herself? They all said they cared, and they all told her not to do it because it hurt them, but were they just saying that because its what they were supposed to say at a time like this?
As she sat there all she could think about was the kisses they had shared and how AMAZINGLY happy she had been for the short months they were more than just friends. She couldn’t let those memories go. She couldn’t admit that once again she had fucked it up.
“What if this is the one that breaks me? What if I can’t get past this?” She wondered out loud. She stared at the knife and wondered what she should do…..

Should she?

qtfm82

Joined September 2008

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