I wish I could feel numb.....

God have you ever felt such sadness …sadness with such an intensity that you would rather feel numb?? I feel like I would rather just be going through the motions than to feel such an aching of the heart…When I wrote" When Is Goodbye" I didnt even realize how much putting those words down would affect me…it makes things so much more real…..I know death of a loved one is something we all have to face at one time or another…I know that with my moms cancer that is going to be something I will have to face someday soon, possibly sooner than I would like, but now with my beloved Sophie nearing her end death feels like it is all around me, my dog has been a constant of unconditional love and support in my life with all I have been dealing with, with my mom and my personal life…having this happening now seems so damn unfair….I know life is not fair but god, please give me a break, I would like to get off the world for awhile……Sophie always look into my eyes with love and all she wants is to be loved…isnt that what we all want?? God I do not want to lose her not now!!! I truly did not know how much writing" When is Goodbye "was going to make everything hurt so much more , but it shoves the harsh realities of life back to the front of my mind….my moms cancer, my family issues, the self doubt in my mind about myself….why do so many people treat me with such disrespect and so little love…am I that unlovable? My in laws think I am a bad mother…how in the world is that possible….I have been fed such large amounts of cruelity that I am actually starting to think that I am worth and am nothing…..My special unconditional love is dying, and I feel like I want to die too…Sophie I do not want to say goodbye, I feel like you are the only thing holding me half way sane right now……I am hurt, and feel raw inside so damn raw……God i feel like i am having a breakdown and probably sound like it too……God please hold me in your arms right now and comfort me…I do not know where else to turn…….Life can be so damn unfair sometimes, and I feel like I have had more than my share of hurt,pain,shame….Oh god i do not want to say goodbye sophie, i just want to feel nothing….numb……..

Journal Comments

  • demon
  • vinee
  • knightingail
  • Kym  Breeze
  • transmute
  • photogenique
  • Susan Grissom
  • Valli  aka Frankiesgirl
  • gothgirl
  • Mary Campbell