Boys stuff.

…. I was unfortunate enough to be looking in the wrong direction when a voice called out to me. ‘You know something about tools don’t ya’ …. (aww shit, here we go) …

‘A bit, why? …. ’Can you come to IKEA with me, I need to buy a bookcase’
‘How wide, how high? …
’I don’t know, that is why I asked you!’

I tend to use my brain, instead of it taking up space in my skull. This time I did’nt use it at all, just used the space.
So I said ‘Of Course, I will go with you to IKEA’

Now sometimes, tools, get people somewhat confused. There are so many, usually at least a dozen of so, that will all do the same job. I rely on just two and two only.

A screwdriver and a hammer, that is all I need.

A screwdriver can be one of the most useful tools to have.
They can drill holes in all sorts of stuff. You can hammer in small nails and tacks with the handle. Scratch you name in concrete and wood and carve really cool stuff into most anything. Perfect for leaving one last goodbye note in the paintwork of an ex-lover’s car. Use it on empty tins, to make awesome drum noises. Good for poking in all sorts of places. Really good for impressing everyone, by holding it on a large part of the motor of a car and placing the handle close to your ear and then making Einstein-like comments about the internal combustion engine. They also look really cool, hanging off a tradesmen belt … oh and they can be used to screw and unscrew stuff.

Now a hammer.
A person with a hammer in their hand, deserves respect for many different reasons. It is a multi-use tool. A hammer is fantastic for breaking Brazil and Macadamia nuts. Banging it on steel, makes the best noises. It mimics hail damage in the bodywork of car, beautifully, handy for an insurance claim ssssh.
Most arguments can be won, when brandishing a hammer, it has the most amazing calming effect. It also looks pretty good hanging of a tradesmen’s belt. It should not be used on mums fine crystal glassware, to make it softly ping, that does not work, trust me…. oh it can also be used to hammer in nails and tacks, if you cannot find a screwdriver.

So off to IKEA we went.
The first sales assistant I saw, I asked ’ Would you like me to return any spare screws, nails, or wooden dowels left over, after the build?’
‘Why’ he asked.
‘If everyone did that, you would’nt have to produce so many’
He looked at me, strangely I thought, but may have been mistaken. For the rest of the time at IKEA, sales assistants hovered around us, and were so helpful.

I had measured the height and width of the opening, where the bookcase was to go, with my hammer handle …(see I told you it was a handy tool) … I asked if I could borrow one of theirs, to get the accurate measurements.

They said that nearly all IKEA products do not require the use of a hammer, just a screwdriver (whew, thank god), some glue and a hexagonal key. They handed me a measuring tape. I looked at it and asked what it was for. They said to measure things and I replied ’that’s what the hammer is for.’

Now we had the undivided attention of at least 5 sales assistants, everyone else was getting jealous, they could’nt wait to help us make a choice and hurried us to the counter to pay, waved as we trundled our purchase out to the car. I am sure I did see them looking at us through the window, obviously I impressed them with my expertise.

We got the bookcase home, sure enough, we needed a screwdriver( it had a packet of nails in it )… a hexagonal key and some glue … it was a little bit wonky on the lower edge … out came the hammer.. fits beautifully now.

So we had a couple of beers, the claw on the hammer makes the best bottle top opener. I went home, looked at my hammer and screwdriver and thought what a lucky guy I am

I emailed IKEA, suggesting that that put a hammer in every knockdown they sell and I received a lovely email back, unfortunately I can’t read it, but I assume they are thanking me for my incredibly smart suggestion.

So remember all you need is really, just a hammer and a screwdriver … if you have both … u can always get a good screw and a fantastic bang … simple really…. all good boys stuff.

Boys stuff.

Pooh

Joined June 2009

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