In Case of Emergency

From earthquakes in Japan to tornados in the south to Newt Gingrich running for president to narrowly escaping the end of the world; the danger level on the earth has never been greater. News reporters with dour expressions remind people to organize emergency kits—just in case disaster hits home. (Because, for some reason, dehydrated eggs and flashlights will save you from certain death.)

I’m not big on planning ahead. It’s not that I don’t think it’s important, I just don’t think about it. But after all the freaky, nature-related events and the regular TV season being over, I thought I’d better check on my emergency kits to see if anything needed to be replaced or updated.

After I finally located my 72-hour kit (buried behind the Christmas ornaments) I found it contained: one cooking spatula; a box of 10-year-old saltine crackers; a pair of children’s underwear (size 4T); a bucket of bubble gum and a Reader’s Digest from 1991. Looked good to me. But my husband thought we should probably invest in some up-to-date emergency essentials.

We decided to purchase two items a week for disaster preparedness until A) we either died in the big earthquake or B) we had amassed enough supplies to become crazy hermits in the mountains.

My idea of a smart purchase was three boxes of 500 Q-tips and a 5-gallon can of dehydrated carrots. My husband didn’t agree.

“What good is that?” he asked calmly and (I’m sure) without judgment.
“They were on sale,” was my rational reply. “And if we’re attacked by giant rabbits with runny ears, we’re gonna be JUST fine.”
Can’t argue with that. Booyah!

We agreed to disagree and I continued my research into emergency supplies by referring to my foolproof online source, Wikipedia. The site suggested we acquire the following items in case of a disastrophe:
First aid kit (I have Dora the Explorer Band-Aids—close enough).
Fishing gear (to catch fish in Lake Kearns).
Ponchos (I “borrowed” some ponchos from a Mexican restaurant).
Whistle (I guess for those “happy tune” moments).
Foods that store well (jerky, MREs, canned peas and other things
I would NEVER eat).
Cash (We don’t have cash now. Maybe we’re already experiencing an
Handgun (for shooting zombies).
My own addition: bullet-proof sunglasses. (I’m pretty sure Navy SEALs won’t helicopter into my backyard and shoot out my eyes bin-Laden-style, but it’s best to be prepared.)

There were other items on Wikipedia deemed “necessary,” but I got bored with reading and started browsing Amazon. I found a great deal on a 5-lb. bag of Cadbury eggs. (Another Booyah!!)

As I thought about this catastrolamity preparedness project, I wondered how much good a 72-hour kit was for those people in Japan who survived an earthquake/tsunami/radiation poisoning/Godzilla and Mothra attack. They probably didn’t have ANY whistles or dehydrated carrots.

Luckily, behind my back, my husband acquired sleeping bags, water, propane-fueled lanterns and cooking stoves, a solar-powered radio and other sensible emergency items that should keep me alive until he shoots me with the handgun to stop me from whining about eating canned peas.

But I guess it’s better than having to hunker down in a bathroom reading 20-year-old Reader’s Digests and chomping on jerky. (I did, however, buy a 10-year supply of dental floss.) Booyah!

In Case of Emergency


Kearns, United States

  • Artist

Artist's Description

Could you survive and earthquake or zombie attack? Do you have your emergency kit prepared? Here are some handy tips.

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