Dear Dad

Im angry at you for leaving me, for leaving us. We were too young, you were too young. Half my life has passed without you. I think about all the things we missed out on…You missed me cooking for you, you missed my 21st birthday, you missed Claras 21st birthday…You denied me the chance of coming out to you and having you hug me and tell me its ok and that you still love me. You missed my wedding and the birth of your grandsons…They are beautiful and so intelligent and funny. You have missed so many birthdays and christmasses, anniversaries and celebrations.

You have also missed many years of pain and suffering…of wondering why you?? I often wonder which you would choose if you had the choice?? Life with all its pain but loads of love and family or the freedom of death….no pain…no blindness…no suffering.

I feel guilty as hell for being angry at you…you didnt choose what happened. You didnt decide to leave. I feel guilty for missing the chance to say goodbye to you. Life is different now…Maybe it wouldve been like this anyway but I doubt it. I was out the other night with Rosie and she said that looking at me sitting across from her was like looking at you…It made me really happy and really sad at the same time. She wasnt much older than I am now when you left. Maybe I should go easier on her…she lost the love of her life and her heart was broken….You were my dad but you were the only man she ever loved.

I hurt all the time….I sit and think and wonder what it would be like to just go to you…Sometimes its all I want and then I wonder if its what you would want and I can convince myself that it is for about 30 seconds until I think of the boys and I know that I couldnt put them through the same pain….not now!!

i am tired right now and will continue this another time

Dear Dad

pedanticnerd

Celbridge, Ireland

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  • adrian76
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