Not being a historian I don’t intend the following text to be anything but my usual cynical rhetoric. I am going to list all the presidents to date, in numerical order and make some brief meaningless comments on their presidency. Right now I don’t have anything better to do and I needed something to occupy my time until I come up with a better idea. If you expect to learn anything meaningful about history from this document, forget about that. If you want to learn something about history, go to the library and read a book! That will do you a lot more good than reading this nonsense. However, having started you might as well continue.
Of course I’m going to start with George Washington, “the father of our country”, a hero and the first president. He defeated the British in the revolutionary war. What a screw up that was! If he had minded his own business we would all be British citizens today and still be speaking English. By the way, he didn’t have wooden teeth they were plastic! Next was John Adams the first vice president and second president. Some people are suckers for punishment. Our third president, Thomas Jefferson was originally an architect, musician, author and lawyer. There’s somebody who didn’t know how good he had it. The fourth president James Madison was a brilliant student. At twelve years old he could read Greek, Latin and Spanish. Its no wonder George was able to talk him into us dumping the English language! Number five was James Monroe. He came up with the “Monroe doctrine”, which guaranteed nations on this continent protection against European intervention. Now you can understand why the nations of Central and South America are so screwed up. Please take note – I did not mention Canada. That’s because, they are still part of the British Empire but they just don’t know it.
The sixth president, John Quincy Adams was the first son of a president to become president. He was elected by congress because the Electoral College gave him less votes than Andrew Johnson. There were a total of four candidates and none of them received enough votes to be elected president. Talk about rotten luck! Next was number seven Andrew Jackson, “Old Hickory” as he was called. I believe he got that name because he acted like a man with a wooden head. Number eight was Martin Van Buren, a man who liked stylish clothing, a high social life and fine carriages. It’s no wonder he wanted to be president. The one thing he did right was to oppose the annexation of Texas. The ninth president, William Henry Harrison apparently won the election by using the slogan “Tippecanoe and Tyler too”. Nobody knew what the hell that meant but it indicates the mentality of the American voter.
One of the most unpopular presidents was the tenth, John Tyler the previous vice president. He was the Tyler of “Tippecanoe and Tyler too”. No wonder he was so unpopular! Under James Knox Polk, the eleventh president, alcoholic beverages and elaborate parties and the like were no longer permitted at the White House. Was he nuts or what? What else should the White House be used for? Our twelfth president Zachary Taylor was responsible for California becoming a state. As if we don’t already have enough nutty people in this country, because of him we now have all the nuts in Hollywood and San Fran Cisco as citizens. The thirteenth president was Millard Fillmore. Millard who? After Millard who, came Franklin Pierce our fourteenth president. He was known as a great orator, in other words he was a big bullshit artist. When James Buchanan the fifteenth president took office, the first seven states seceded from the union. Need any more be said! Then along came our sixteenth president, the great Abraham Lincoln. He insisted on not allowing the southern states to secede by beating them in the Civil War. Another guy who couldn’t leave well enough alone.
For number seventeen we have Andrew Johnson, the only president who never went to school. That was obvious! Now we come to one of my favorites, Ulysses Simpson Grant Our eighteenth president. He brought booze back to the White House – with a vengeance! Next we have our nineteenth president Rutherford B Hayes, a man who has been characterized by some historians as an honest politician. Yeah right – an honest politician! If you believe that, you’ll believe anything. Our twentieth president, James Abram Garfield was the last of the “log cabin” presidents. This was a man who did not want to be president. So why did he run and the more important question is, why was he elected? Next is the Twenty-first president Chester Alan Arthur, another man who enjoyed high living and fine clothes. He also had the White House redecorated by Louis Tiffany. He also knew what the presidency was all about.
The twenty-second and twenty-fourth president was Grover Cleveland. Talk about somebody who didn’t know when to quit! Then we have Benjamin Harrison, the twenty-third president and grandson of president William Henry Harrison. I guess most of these politicians like to keep the presidency in the family. Number twenty-five in the line of presidents was William McKinley. It was because of him and his Spanish American war that Spain freed Cuba. Now we have Fidel Castro! One of my favorites is Theodore Roosevelt, the twenty-sixth president. However, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating a peace treaty between Japan and Russia. Another guy who couldn’t mind his own business. Number twenty-seven was William Howard Taft, a man who was born with the proverbial “silver spoon” in his mouth. Why shouldn’t he have been president? Another guy who couldn’t mind his own business was the twenty-eighth president, Woodrow Wilson. Him and his League of Nations – what a joke! Warren G Harding was number twenty-nine. His administration was noted for corruption. So – what else is new? Our thirtieth president was Calvin “Silent Cal” Coolidge. Who ever heard of a silent politician?
Now we get to presidents who held office during my lifetime. It is because of this my comments might be a little more cynical. I begin with number thirty-one, Herbert Clark Hoover. He was in office until 1933. I was born in 1932. He is blamed for the “Great Depression”. At one time he was a mechanical engineer. He should have stayed a Mechanical engineer! After Hoover came the Thirty-second president Franklin Delano Roosevelt, cousin to Theodore Roosevelt. Here we go again with that “keep it all in the family” nonsense. This man broke with the two-term precedent and was elected to office four times. If he didn’t pass away in his fourth term he would probably still be president. I do believe he thought being elected president in reality made him emperor, but then again so did many others. After Roosevelt there was another of my favorites Harry S Truman, The thirty-third president. I especially liked him because he got even for Pearl Harbor. However, he had a bad temper and a penchant for calling reporters and others sons-of-bitches. In addition, he was a lousy piano player.
After Truman another great war hero came on the scene. That was our thirty-fourth president, Dwight David Eisenhower. He was responsible for creating the Department of Health, Education and Welfare. Since that time this country has developed a problem with obesity, education has gone downhill and people who should be working for a living are now on the dole. So much for that idea! Now I’m going to get to a man most of you and I are in disagreement about. I’m talking about our thirty-fifth president, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. This is the first president I knew of who had his brains in his penis. He claimed to be a catholic but I believe his religion was booze and broads. He’s another guy who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. After Kennedy came another boozer. That was the thirty-sixth president, Lyndon B Johnson. Evidently his preference was beer. You could tell that from all the empty beer cans strewn all over his ranch in Texas. Following Johnson was Richard M Nixon, our thirty-seventh president. He probably was the most paranoid president ever and was forced to resign under the threat of impeachment. Number thirty-eight was Gerald R ford. He was never elected president. As Nixon’s vice president he took office when Nixon resigned. He ran a halfhearted campaign against James E Carter Jr. because I believe he never wanted to be president in the first place.
James Carter was elected the thirty-ninth president. He was and still is a nice guy, but he was the most inept president in my time. We would all have been better of if he stuck to selling peanuts in Georgia. He engineered the overthrow of the Shaw of Iran. After that, our embassy there was taken over and American citizens were held hostage for a very long time. It was Ronald W Reagan, our fortieth president who saw to it that those hostages were released but the world is still stuck with the problem of Iran. As did most of the nation, I liked Ronald Reagan but let’s face the facts, the most important part of his career was that of an actor. He wasn’t a very good actor but then again all politicians are bad actors! After Reagan came the forty-first president, George Bush. He was and still is a very nice and likeable guy. It’s too bad he never developed a personality. Then came along William Jefferson Clinton, our illustrious Forty-second president. He is the second president I know of who had and probably still has his brains in his penis. He is probably going to live the rest of his life living down his legacy of womanizing. He and the rest of his administration were like a group of teenagers who used the White House and Oval Office as one big playground. George W Bush is presently our Forty-third president, another attempt to keep it all in the family. History will eventually determine his legacy. As of now I have one criticism of him to make. Speak English! The word is nuclear not nucular! That damned George Washington!

Enough said!


Paul Ali

Joined October 2008

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