MY STRUGGLE

It all started with a dream more like a night mare and I was blind and I could hear a trolley jack being pulled along a concrete floor, and I awoke in a sweat and screaming. My wife asked me what was the matter and I just brushed it off as always. A few weeks went by and I was working in my shed with my son. We came in for dinner and a change in the weather come through it was raining and very windy I said that I had forgotten to turn the light off in the shed, so I went out side to the shed. I ran from the back door to the shed in the dark. What I didn’t know was some steel rods that I had leaning against the side of the house had fallen down and I ran into them. One had pierced my eye. I new I was in trouble so I backed off the rod and turned to go inside but I passed out. My wife (Carol) came to see what all the commotion was about, for the dogs were barking to get me help. Carol rang the ambulance when they arrived I had come round again, by this time I figured I would be blind. To get me up from were I was they moved the trolley jack along the concrete then I thought, is this dream, no unfortunately it was not. I was taken to Frankston Hospital and then transferred to the Eye and Ear where I was operated on the next morning I was told that I would get my sight back so I was on cloud nine for 18 months. Every week I went back to the Hospital for treatment. At the end of this time they put a lens on my eye and said” what letters can you read on the chart”. My answer was “what chart”. I was told that it was the best they could do for me, well I saw red and was asked to leave.
For the next 3 years I sat in the chair watching the TV and Heaven help any one that spoke to me, I was willing to pick a fight with any one. Carol said something about a doctor and that triggered me into a rage, I pushed her into a wall and had my hand around her throat and said to her the “coroner will tell you where my body is”. I walked to the highway and ran in front of cars but they just kept on stopping just something else I failed at, as I continued to walk Ii could see a large white cross on a hill and I walked to it, there were 3 Churches there but they were closed. I don’t know the reason for me to be there as I had no interest in Church or religion.
I stayed there that night. Next morning I managed to find a Church that was open and I went in By this time I was in a lot of pain the pressure in my eye was way up which caused the eye to bulge I sat down in the Church. There were people walking around but no one spoke to me I fell asleep. I don’t know for how long but when I woke up the pain had gone and I felt fantastic and all I wanted to do was go home.
So I went to the Police station to use the phone. They asked me what me name was and when I told them he said “don’t worry about the phone we have been looking for you all night”. Carol came to get me she so understood and we sat and talked for ages but I never told her where I spent the night or what happened in the Church.
A few days later I went to see a friend called Andy I new he had something to do with Church stuff and I told him what had happened to me. His answer was to follow that up. Something happened to you in that Church. My answer was very short and abrupt “I don’t what or need any of that stuff in my life”
I went on with my life always with the thought of suicide on my mind and a few more attempts and that chip on my shoulder. People where turning and going the other way when they saw me except Carol and Andy. He never mentioned what happen to me but he always made time to talk.

A few years went by and I got sicker (cancer removed kidney problems, cholesterol of 17, in and out of hospital) the Department of Social Security wanted me to do an assessments to see if I could work. The file came back with “cannot be employed” but should have counseling. You can’t argue with these people so off I went to see a counselor. It wasn’t so bad after a few visits I told them what had happened to me in the Church they said “ you should follow that up”.

I went to see Andy to find out where to start, I walked into his shop and he looked at me and said “you are ready to follow it up” I looked at him “how do you know”? with a smile on his face he replied” I just know the first thing is get a bible from the Christian shop down the road” off I went. I picked up Carol on the way. She waited outside for me not knowing what was going on, about 20 minutes later Carol came looking for me, but I was out the back of the shop with the owner (Campbell ) and yes I was in tears and letting it all out. Home again and Carol was still scratching her head trying to work out what was going on, so we sat down and I told her the whole story. she was amazed
I went on exploring Christianity and came to the Lord and Carol followed me about 6 months later.

Life went on; people couldn’t get over the change in my attitude and the willingness to help others. But that is ok I couldn’t either.I have been a Christian now for 10 years and life has had its ups and downs. I did make another attempt on my life and I still have some suicide thoughts, but the Lord never promised a smooth journey

Yes Carol and I are still together I guess she must love me because if she didn’t she would not be here and I wouldn’t blame her. and I love her

If you know of some one suffering from depression have a little understanding. Depression is a disease which will never go away. You might think it has but it will creep up on you again. The trick is not to let it grab hold, do something about it before you fall into that black hole. Take my word for it you don’t want to go there

IF YOU KNOW SOME ONE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSTION LEAD THEM GENTLY

IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION GET HELP NOW
Graham Buffinton

MY STRUGGLE

Graham Buffinton

MOAMA, Australia

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