Yes, yes. I know that and that’s coming, and I know that. It wont be soft, no, not soft. Soft is weak and weak and weak and it will be hard not soft. And if you could just leave me alone I could work this out.
I need to work this out.
What? Yes, yes but that can’t be all of it. I know there was more, I know there was. More. More than they gave me, and they have it all up there with them and they’ll play their games and I’ll tell them to fuck right off but that won’t stop them. They have their games, but I won’t be soft, I’ll be hard. They think I’ll be soft and weak but I wont be, no no no, not soft and they will have to do what needs to be done. I need to think about this, need to think and work this out and I need you all to shut up now.

What did she say?

What did she say? I heard what she said, she said it and she knew why she said it but what did she say? Words, little words that she doesn’t understand but I know what she said.
What did she say? No, what did she mean? I know what she said, and she knows what she meant, so what did she mean? Why? Why would she say something but mean something else? Why does she keep ignoring me? What do words mean if people don’t say them? The ones buried in their heads? No meaning until they’re said, that’s what I always thought.
What did she say? No, but what did she mean?

Who’s this guy?

He says: ‘What are you doing mate? You can’t walk onto the road like that, I almost killed you.’ And I look at him and tell him about her, and tell him I’m not the one that needs to worry because I know what’s going on and what’s really being said and if he doesn’t know about it, maybe he should just Fuck Off!
People are looking at me now, like they expect something, like I’m here to put on a show. I’ll put on a show all right, and they’d better be ready cause its not a soft show like that fucken guy, its hard. Hard like a fucken diamond drill, so hard they won’t even be able to look away and now they’re all staring cause they expect, like I owe them. What do I owe them? What? Is it this? Is this what they want? What do they want? Is this it? Is it?


Besides, I tell him, besides you’re face doesn’t match and you know what? He knows I’m right and he leaves and he yells at me and I don’t care because I know I’m right. And besides, he’s soft and not hard, not hard, not hard like me.
I walk a while.
…what did she say?

She lies and begs for mercy.

At my feet, she lies and begs for mercy. Mercy! I don’t have mercy, I’m hard not soft and soon she’ll know what that means. I know what she means when she doesn’t say the words she should, and I should tell her that. I should. I should, I should tell her what she should say so that when she talks it’s not lies. Lies like flies, buzzing out of her mouth, black and bloated and flying and confused. Can’t she see them? Can’t she see the lies and don’t they piss her off? Make her red on her cheeks and hollow inside and a nest of maggots lies in there waiting for her mouth to open again and breathe in the wicked air she walks in. With him. She walks with him and laughs and I’m watching them both the other night and they don’t know I’m there and he makes her laugh and I wonder, What The Fuck Is So Funny?

But, anyway.

But, anyway, there’s this cat, right here and he can’t do a real meow. He just sort of goes, “Mraah” and he looks up at me and his ribs are showing. Fucken cat, and he thinks I’m going to give him some food, but, anyway, I don’t.
Fucken cat.
I bet she’s got a cat, and it’s got a proper “Meow” and it sleeps on her bed and he comes over and she sucks his dick and the cat watches and goes “Meow” and they think that’s cute and then he spunks in her mouth, in her maggot-y mouth and she spits it on his stomach and the cat goes “Meow” and she says something and its lies.
And he laughs, and his spunk dribbles off his stomach, and she goes “Meow”.

Is this the place?

Is it? Is this the place? Is it? Yes.
Yes, this the place and I sit down and I’m hard, not soft, and she’ll remember me this time. Calm now. Breathing deep and the air tastes like shit and its not this bin, its her. Her lies when she said, what did she say?
Not what did she say, but what did she mean? What she means is truth but the lies in her mouth won’t let it out and I lean over her and I’m hard and she knows it and her eyes are wet and she says…
…what did she say?

The sign says One Way

This sign, right here, and the cats gone cause I kicked it and I had no food and I could see
it’s ribs anyway and this sign says One Way and I yell at it. One Fucken Way alright. One Fucken Way, only fucken way to deal with this. Got to learn control, they said, got to control my emotions.
But I’m hard, not soft, no, not soft and they know that and that scares them but not me cause I made her eyes wet and I made him bleed and he can’t make he laugh now and she knows all that’s left is the spunk stuck to the lies in her mouth and she vomits it all up and yes, yes I’m hard and I show her and she looks up at me and her eyes are water and he can’t make her laugh and I’m not going to make her laugh.
She, she wont.

And I fucken tell her that.

This air; its shit.
What did she say? She looked up at me and that cat comes back and he sits next to the bin and says “Mraah” like I should kick him again but I can’t cause I’m soft now and I don’t want to be but I am, I am, I fucken am and her water eyes are ripped out and the blood and the fucken…
…oh fuck!
What Did She Fucken Say?

Who’s this guy?

He says: “What’s wrong mate?” And he’s a fat shit and I can’t even tell him that cause I’m soft and not hard and he puts a hand on my shoulder and he says: “Is that your cat?” and the fucken cat, that fucken cat with its ribs out and it’s licking it’s paw like I fed it and I didn’t kick it and I try to look at it but I can’t see it. Her eyes. Her watery eyes are in my head now and I vomit and I taste her lies and his spunk and I vomit more and I hear what she said and this guy jumps back cause I vomit on his shoes and he kicks me and he says: “You fucken shithead! Go fucken top yourself!” And he kicks me again and the cat looks over at me and I ask this man, this guy, to kill me cause she’s gone now and I’ve got her eyes and I heard her voice and he kicks my teeth out and he leaves but I’m not dead.
This fucken cat, and me, and blood coming out of my mouth and the cat comes over and starts to lick it up and doesn’t say anything and I wonder what it tastes like.

Journal Comments

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