Who Said Docs are Intelligent..?

Enjoy just don’t kill yourself laughing…lolol
These are Doctors BLOOPERS…???

“She complains of a dry cough that hurts when she coughs and also when she takes a deep breath for three days.”
“The next patient’s name is Doe, John…. I’m not sure which is the first name and which is the last name, although I would imagine Doe would be the last name, unless it’s John.”
“She is ambulatory with her father at discharge, who happily sucks a popsicle.”
“This is an 8-year-old child accompanied by her mother, who appears playful and interactive.”
“Take medication as directed and put ice on it.”
“Chest x-ray shows a lesion in the apex about the size of a golfball, with no previous films present.”
“This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.”
“This is a 20-year-old female who was the front seat in an automobile accident.”
“The patient’s gait is normal. I am able to stand on her toes.”
“The patient was discharged in a prescription for Tylenol #3.”
“The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant.”
“The patient was cleaned copiously and steri-stripped. She was then dressed and discharged.”
“The patient was brought in by two police officers in handcuffs.”
“This 50-year-old teacher is undergoing polysomnogram because of daytime sleepiness and difficulty staying asleep while teaching.”

“Her fourth toe cramps and she has to take off her shoe and at times rub her foot until it goes away.”

“….painful cramps prior to her menses secondary to her period.”

“….. electrical disturbances causing the problems in his feet that he acquired while sitting in the park.”

“This is an evaluation of an 11-year-old girl who suffered a fall while ice skating today on her left wrist.”

“Please make a copy of my office.”

“The patient has had episodes where she has had chest discomfort and has had to pull over to the side of the highway for five years.”

“The patient occasionally gets a rash on her neck, which she has had for some time.”

“She sometimes has difficulty initiating her legs to start a walk.”

“The other foot has the missing toes.”

“Sterile dressing was applied and the knee was sent to the recovery room in good condition.”

“Her stools throughout the entire hospital were guaiac-negative.”

(dictated on a patient with schizophrenia) “The patients are alert and oriented.”

“He is an occasional smoker, smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day for the past 19 years.”

“Pelvic and rectal were not examinated.”

“Patient’s mother died at age 33, several weeks after she was born.”

S: Patient comes in for ear pain. She is pain free.

O: TMs and canals are normal.

A: Normal knee exam.

P: Reassurance.

“No shlurred speeth.”

“Lasix 20 mg p.o. q.d. if patient’s weight exceeds 5 pounds.”

“Blood loss from the procedure was less than 10 gallons.”

“First name Victor, spelled V as in Victor….”

“I will remove the tonsils, and while under anesthesia I will inspect the adenoids as well.”

“Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained abdominal pain in the knee.”

“She is sexually active with one muscle.”

“GENITORECTAL: Surgically fused ankles bilaterally.”
“Duration of illness is probably at least since he became ill.”

“The patient had pain when she saw me for several months in November.”

“Bowel movements have remained stable with a good appetite.”

“He denies falling asleep while driving during meals.”

“Patient has been married for 30 years, living at home with husband, and in the past has had dogs, cats, and children as pets.”

“Roman letter B, left period.”

“We have discussed her hemorrhoids. The bottom line is……”

“The patient states that diarrhea tends to run in his family.”

“He is married with two spouses, ages 12 and 9.”

“She has problems urinating on the Cipro.”

“Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my office in her vaginal area.”

“She felt fatigued and slumped down into the floor.”

“Also, on his right hand he has a left thumb dislocation.”

“….. before this admission, and was found with his wrists cut by his landlady.”

“Well baby check. Height 24.5 inches, weight 15 pounds, head circumference 42.5 inches.”

“Diagnosis: Left forehead laceration secondary to a golf club measuring 3 cm.”

“She had difficulty completing simple calculations. For example, when I asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals, she said ‘ten’”.

“She had erythema from the knees all the way up to the ankles.”

“Chemotherapy was started on the 30th of November, which was about seven hours in duration.”

Conversation between a pathologist and his transcriptionist, the morning after two breast biopsies:

Pathologist: I need you to fax that breast over to Dr. Blank’s office right away.

Transcriptionist: Which one?

Pathologist: The one from yesterday.

Transcriptionist: There were two yesterday.

Pathologist: The one that was unremarkable. I need to hold the other one for the weekend, I’ll get it back to you on Monday.

“This 42-year-old woman who was discharged after four days of admission, four days after a four-day admission, was discharged and now returns.”

“Neurologic: Nonfocal with patient demonstrating immediate/recent memory deficits. pause …. uh, where was I?”

“I have been following him because of his paranoia.”

“A dip in the urine in the ER showed…..”

“I discussed the physiology of Viagra with the patient at length.”

“The patient returns with altered mental status. I am not sure if he got any in the nursing home.”

“The infant’s head was palpated and the infant was found to be well down into the pelvis, and the assistant was asked to push her head up through the vagina underneath the sterile drape.

“That’s Catherine with a ‘C’, spelled k-a-t-h-e-r-i-n-e.”

“BREASTS: Regular rhythm.”

“Oh, transcriptionist, could you sneak into that last patient’s rectum and add a scant amount of guaiac-negative stool? Thanks.”

“She does have some numbness in her toes that come and go.”

“Patient states she is on Lasix for hypertension, though she is on doses that should not affect her blood pressure.”

“An even larger issue was her obesity…..”

“Lumbar range of motion is excellent. She can touch her toes to the ground.”

“Please send a copy of the referring doctor to the E Street clinic.”

“Her decrease in vision in this eye is interfering with her ability to see.”

“This is a woman who is having severe sharp pain in her rectum when she has a bowel movement of two days duration.”

“On arrival to the emergency room she was noted to be lethargic and was noted to have uh, um, to have, um… uh… to have uh… short-term memory loss.”

“She lost her cool this week and apparently blew up her husband and daughter.”

“She states she’s been wondering whether or not the Prozac is helping her depression. I’m going to try cutting her in half and see if that makes any difference.”

“The pain is exacerbated by prolonged activities at work which include trimming hedges, taking short steps behind a lawn mower, lifting and bending, and having sex.”

“She is able to raise her shoulders above her head without difficulty.”

“Her breasts look beautiful. I will follow her for one month.”

In a letter: “Enclosed is the patient’s most recent urine.”

“Genitourinary exam: Normal penis. No acute pathology. No hernia. Full range of motion.”

“This is a very pleasant child sitting up on the stretcher in bed with his mother who is very playful and a pleasure to play with.”

“The patient’s peritoneum was allowed to escape completely.”

“The scope was withdrawn the length of the esophagus, which was normal. The patient was then terminated.”

“She is depressed and her obesity weighs heavily on her.”

“The patient was a 52-year-old smoking lady.”

“His appetite is excellent. He eats three meals a day with relish.”

“Blood pressure is 150/90 in the right arm as I take it lying down.”

“The patient developed abdominal pain and nausea after eating lunch and then frequent stools.”

“Blood pressure as I take it is 120/90 sitting on the right arm.”

“Skin shows modest actinic changes over his scalp and forehead, as well as over some of his ears.”

“The patient is able to eat now and he’s having bowel movements.”

“The patient tells me he has continued to improve every day. He’s still a bit weak when he tries to lift things above his head, but he can easily stick his finger in his ear and carry firewood.”

“I repeated his urinalysis, which in our hands, was normal.”

“Bilateral upper extremities are within functional limits in all major muscle groups with the exception of the amputated left thumb, which of course is missing.”

“Please go back to that last transcription and please do not transcribe it.”

“She is careful when talking about her husband and her gag reflex is normal.”

“I will try to do a urine on her as an outpatient.”

“Because of his complaints of glare and halos when driving in the right eye…..”

“Skin is, uh, skin is, oh, well, uh, just take the skin off.”

“Next patient is San….. San….. something-or-other.”

“The patient needs to have a mole checked. His wife has been looking at it for a year.”

“Her mother looked at her ears today and brings them in today to be checked.”

“He was given a prescription for Keflex if the ear suddenly comes back.”

“Assessment: Right 4th toe contusion, possible fracture. Plan: Buddy tape the right 4th toe to the left 3rd toe.”

“Assessment: (1) Dementia. (2) Urinary symptoms. (3) Uh, dementia.”

“The patient has poison oak again. She’s trying all kinds of things to avoid it. She even strips and puts her clothes straight into the dishwasher.”

“Next, I ran through the duodenum.”

“This is a well-developed gentleman who is obviously pregnant.”

“Exam reveals a gentleman in no apparent distress except when having his left lower extremity examined or removed.”

“I had the patient undress from the knees down.”

“Assessment: Contused chest. Plan: No further narcotics. Please label chest “allergic to narcotics.”

“He comes in for severe emotional distress. His wife of five years has just dissolved.”

“Calf, ankle, and thigh circumference are all identical in both legs.”

“His upper teeth, if he had them, feel normal.”

“Recheck nose in 10-12 days. Call immediately if it seems to return.”

“Both right eyes are red with discharge.”

“This is a well-developed elderly female. She is oriented to the year, and unsure of where she is. She is unsure of the president, but mentions Hulk Hogan as a possibility.”

“External genitalia revealed normal testicles and normal penis bilaterally.”

“Cramps after eating for two weeks.”

“The patient will be set up for the vein clinic in four to six weeks. She wants to get pregnant this summer, so I want to get her in and get her taken care of as soon as possible.”

“She uses condoms for birth control pills.”

“He has a lesion on his left leg. He has one other lesion like this behind his right ear, which is much smaller than his leg.”

“I gave her seven suppositories, one for each rectum.”

“…. end of dictation. Oh wait, I forgot her breasts. Please put her breasts up by her abdomen.”

“The patient is not terribly willing to discuss his constipation in front of his mother, but after she leaves he softens up a bit and talks.”

“The patient was evaluated by a psychiatrist. In a nutshell…..”

“I told the patient I would like to see her stable on her antidepressant for 6-12 months before we consider pregnancy.”

“A friend of hers checked her uterus and thought it was tilted a little.”

“The patient has two anal fissures in the same anus.”

“There is vertigo when I toss his head to the side.”

“Wound care instructions were reviewed with the wart.”

“He made a contract with me not to commit suicide until I see him day after tomorrow.”

“I’ve stressed the importance of taking a pill should she forget her pill as soon as she remembers it.”

“The patient had a similar episode in the past when she was exposed to cats with severe wheezing.”

“The patient and I had a lengthy and tearful discussion about the risks and benefits of a lumbar epidural steroid injection.”

“Sometimes she has a hard time driving because it hurts so much when she has to look.”

“As part of his annual examination, I did three stools on the patient.”

“…..where was I? I can’t remember where I was….. oh yeah, I was in the rectum.”

“The infant was placed in the warmer with the pediatrician.”

“I’ve authorized two more trips to the chiropractor to help finish him off.”

“He has difficulty with um, uh, uh, uh, um, word finding. His speech is flu- is uh, flu- uh, uh, fluent.”

“A U-turn was done in the rectum.”

“There is also noted to be occasional short-term memory lapse, though articulate in verbal skills in generally.”

Journal Comments

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