Naval Funnies for today..

Well the Airforce gor theirs……time for the Navy now…lolol

British OFFICER’s:Recomendations..??

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won’t-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was
previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since
then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
n Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

Supposedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a U. S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95 [USN has issue a press release asserting the incident never happened].

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR course.”

Canadians: “No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.”

Americans: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north…that’s one-five-degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.”

Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

Darrian Wolffe:
As stolen shamelessly from the Avalon Hill Boards:


Ships sailing in thick fog:
Senior officer to escort: “I hope you find necessary facilities in Belfast”.
Escort to SO: “Hope I find Belfast”.

From Flag Officer Gibraltar: “Small round object sighted 180 degrees 5 miles from Europa Point. Probably mine”.
From Flag Officer Force H: “Certainly not mine”.

From cruiser to flotilla upon discovering they were lost in bad weather AND in an enemy minefield:
“What do you consider our position, other than precarious?”

“SOS SOS SOS Maid of Cork. Sinking”.

A flagship was inexperienced in ship handling. It signalled “All engines stop” and promptly steamed off.
Junior ship: “What speed are you stopped at?”

British light forces in WW1: “Have sighted enemy battleship bearing NNE distance 2 miles. Am preparing to ram”.
A while later…
“Cancel my last signal. Battleship turns out to be a lighthouse”.

Ship to ship: “Please send your technical expert to see our foremost gun”.
Reply: “Our technical expert can see your foremost gun from here”.

Admiral Somerville had a noted sense of humour. At the bombardment of Genoa HMS Malaya was, as usual, flying the Malayan flag as she was a gift from Malaya in WW1. The Malayan flag closely resembled the P&O shipping line.
Somerville to HMS Malaya after her second salvo: “You look like an enraged P&O”.

Submarine returning from patrol to home base: “Expect to make base at 1800 hours if friendly aircraft will stop bombing me”.

Senior officer to training submarine in apparent difficulties: “What are you doing?”
Reply: “Learning a lot”.

Gunboats on a Chinese river with notorious navigation hazards.
The lead ship got around the bend but the second did not follow.
Lead ship signalled: “What is the delay?”
Second ship: “Regret have become a semi permanent feature of the Chinese landscape”.

The Bible was much used for signalling in the Royal Navy.
Submarine returning from war patrol: “Psalm 17. Verse 4”

(“Concerning the works of men by the words of thy lips I have kept me from the paths of the destroyers”)

In WW1 HMS Essex was patrolling off the US coast. A foreign vessel was making a complete hash of a signal in Morse code. A US shore station cut in with: “Now try the other foot”.

Two destroyers met after a storm. One had been dismasted by the gale.
“How come?”
Reply: “Scraping under very low cloud”.

Flower Class corvettes were notoriously lively sea boats. Two were in a severe storm and pitching and rolling all over the place.
One to the other: “Have just seen down your funnel. The fire is burning brightly”.

Senior officer to junior ships after he carried out a pre-announced inspection:
“Standing orders provide for overalls being worn for dirty work on board in which category I do not include an inspection by me”.

Corvette to passing MTB: “Good luck”.
Reply: “Thanks. Actually we rely on skill”.

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