I Dreamed Myself To Peace

Sorry to bring this subject up again, but this dream really brought peace to me. Since May 4 when my wife died I have been feeling very guilty at times because we did not die together. We had talked about the poor health she was in and while taking care of her and doing everything for her I was becoming ill myself. I would bathe her, take her to dialisis, give her the medications, inject her with insullin, cook, clean the house, pay the bills, etc. Her heart was very weak, was diabetic, was legally blind and many other illnesses, I did the best I could. I did get tired at times watching over her day and night, but I loved her with all of my heart. Sometimes my oldest son would watch over her when I took some time to just play golf and sort my mind. She let me do it and all was find, except for one thing, the day she died I was not totally aware that her life at ending that day. I didn’t go play when she said she felt a little weak, but that morning I told her that I needed to go to the bath room and then I would take her. When I got out, she just said it was okay to wait longer. Well, I feel asleep next to her and when I woke up she was not breathing.The bad thing about it is that a week ealier we had talked about death because we knew things were not well for both of us, even though I was playing golf. She knew I needed a few hours doing something else, and all was find. However, we had discussed that if we ever died first, one of us would let the other know that once we arrived in heaven we would communicate somehow with the other, that we had arrived and things were going well. I would take her out on the wheel chair and do what we could together, always said we loved each other every night and so on.After she died, I had to keep myself together for the family, and because our youngest is getting married in January. I know she wants me to live and be there when he does tie the knot, but it hurts my heart to be the one. I know deep inside that she gave her life for me because she assumed I could pull this through. I am getting healty, but here lies the concern because I have been feeling very guilty and every time I go to the cemetery I ask her when she will forgive me, and when will she communicate to me just like we promised each other. I have been wanting that peace with me to carry on with life.Well, last night I had the most interesting dream I have ever had. I had been fighting off dreaming about her because I hurt so bad and I had been hiding it from everybody. She was in my dream, next to a bed, and I knew it was a dream within the dream. I knew she had died and that I was dreaming and that she wasn’t there for real. I was wrong about that too, because in the dream I hugged her for good times sake, and when she disappeared in my dream she turned into a beautiful rock. I truely believe that she came to me to let me know she had arrived. I felt so good inside that she was in heaven and communicating with me. I need to go to the cemetery and see her again.The story doesn’t end there either, since I had trimmed the rose bushes and there was nothing there to bloom. Sometime back I had promised to take some roses to her, but the bush was no longer blooming. I water them, so I had seen that there were no blubs to bloom. This morning, after the dream I was outside waiting for a friend of mine to pick me up to go play golf, and I noticed the bush, it had three pick roses that I am taking to the cemetery when I go again. Figure that out, she for gave me, she is telling me to go enjoy playing golf and not feel guilty, she is saying, I bring you peace. It may only be true to me, but I promised myself that I would write about this miracle I believe in. There are other signs that lead me to believe this since it didn’t rain until I got home. My boys made me aware of it too as all three of us were together under the rain.In our early years we would walk in the rain and we would take about it during our later years, and I feel it in my heart that all of these are signs, plus some more too numerous to mention. I am in tears right now as I write this, but I feel she has communicated to me and I hope that I will be at peace from now on, God and her know I need it now so bad. Thank you so much if you stayed all the way to the ending of this story, I got it off my chest and I promised her that I would do it, I hope to change for my own health, God help me too.

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