sanctuary

so redbubble has become a bit of my sanctuary. Here I can post things that I know no one in my closest circle will probably read. Which is a good thing. Because I have to get this out and I don’t even have the energy or will to turn this into poetry, because it would seem fruitless.
But there is a man, and I would call him man, not boy, except when it comes to him and his choice of female. He’s actually rather easy to decipher, if she is A. pretty B. “christian” and C. available. He’ll be into her. And the quotes around the Christian mean that if she posses enough morale/ethical fiber in her that after one conversation with her he can’t find anything “sketchy” then she’s Christian-enough. And even after MONTHS apart from something that might have been, that was ended, he STILL dotes on her. And she could not be any farther away from Christian at all! Not to judge, she used to be a close friend of mine, but I thank God every day that He kept my beloved friend away from her, who, quoted to me just today that “I have cheated on every one of my boyfriends, I don’t know if I told you that or not” and yet this kid, this amazing MAN still brings her up. And he doesn’t know how much that kills me. I said I was over him, I WAS WRONG. Yeah, I’m not the pretty grape on the vine, yeah, I make things awkward as heck sometimes, yeah, I expressed my feelings and he didn’t reciprocate. I get all that, I’m not so dense to think that I have a chance with him right now. But a girl can still acknowledge when something, some feeling, some potential relationship would be….right. we would be sooo right for each other.
Maybe it’s me, maybe he knows me too well. Maybe he knows too many of my flaws. But he doesn’t know near enough of my good qualities. How amazing of a partner I’d make him. How devote, how fun! Yeah, my appearance may not meet his standards, but everything should. I’m not a cheater, like him I make myself vulnerable for very very few people, and he’s one of them. I don’t let people in, but I would open my courts wide open for him. I would let him into everything. I would give up all my other romantic inclinations. I have deleted certain profiles I just, I would be a good partner, girlfriend sounds so childish. But partner I would be, loving, adorable as all get out. Which my well, last romantic encounter can a test too. I’m not all sarcasm and cold. I can be warm and unforgivably sappy and silly. And yet around him, I block that all out, because I know he’ll reject it, we hugged the other night, and to me, that was so intimate. Just because he’s not, and we don’t hug that much, and a hug from him just…lifts my day. And all this sounds way too obsessive but I just can’t….can’t let this out to too many people. Can’t express it, I said I was over it, but I’m not, and I don’t want to kill any chance to be part of his life, I feel like we’ve already drifted so far already. I don’t want to crush that. But I do want to be together, to be able to express my…well, love for him. Not in love or any such thing, but I do love him, care for him, and I truly do, compared to the cheater who can’t keep her legs closed who has two kinds of STD’s and maybe more that he is still stuck on…GET OVER HER. Maybe if he would just express interest in someone worthy of him, I’d truly get over it, but every time he brings HER up. My blood boils. She is not worth it! GET OVER HER DIMWIT! Don’t even get into me, just get over her!

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