Electric doors slid to one side
I made my entrance, head held high
Demonstrating obvious class
I was saying “Kiss my arse”!
I should not be a public patient
Much to my sheer frustration
There must have been a bad mistake
I should be having tea and cake

I placed my bag down at my feet
And waited for a meet and greet
But nothing of the sort occurred
No one said a single word!
I had to wait impatiently
But at long last and finally
A woman from behind the desk
(A Former clerk of the SS)
Said “state vor number, name and vank”
She was built just like a tank
I swallowed hard and gave my name
Wishing that I’d never came
She barked some orders, I sat down
But Botox would not let me frown

I sat there in that waiting room
Feeling nervous and forlorn
But then my husband did arrive
And sat down with me at my side
Silently, we then observe
And rapidly I lost my nerve
We heard the tank “Voo take that vun”!
I swear I saw her wave a gun

Fake smile fixed upon her face
Girl said “Come”! and “Bring your case”.
We followed her for miles and miles
My shoe’s click clacking on the tiles
Passed snack machines along the way
Lunch on trolley’s, small café
I needed food, I hadn’t eaten
But I won’t let them see me beaten

We reached the lift and stood in silence
It seemed a hospital compliance
Advancing now to the eighth floor
We then got out and walked some more
She took us up to room 8 A
Said “This is where you now must stay”!
She left us then to our relief
I stared around in disbelief

Bare cold walls and vinyl floors
Metal frames around the doors
Stark white sheets upon the bed
And a card that sternly, read
“FASTING – Nil to pass through lips”
I grabbed the card, tore it to strips
Replacing it with one that read
“Being starved to death” instead

A sterile bed we sat upon
And of course before too long
My husband fell asleep and snored
While I felt strange and somewhat bored
And so I thought defiantly
Of all instructions passed to me
“The hospital shall now abolish
Cosmetics, jewellery, nail polish”

Smiling now, held out my hand
Encrusted diamond wedding band
I stared at nails freshly painted
And tasted lip gloss as I waited

Suddenly a nurse appeared
My time had come, the time I’d feared
Clipboard poised, she drew her pen
Boy was this one fast and then
Questions that they’d asked before
Over and over and more and more
Interrogation Gestapo style
Where the hell’s my cyanide vial

Do you have a prosthesis?
Dentures? Caps and or bridges?
Visual problems? Contacts? Glasses?
Does it hurt when urine passes?
Do you wear a hearing device?
Smoke? Take drugs? Have any vice?
Do you use a stick or frame?
Have trouble remembering your name?

Oh for Gods sake, do shut up
Come on nurse, enough’s enough!
I can’t take this it isn’t fair
No, not a wig, it’s my own hair!
No, not on a special diet
(Any food would keep me quiet)
Yes my husband can collect me
Of course he’ll care for me expertly

And then it seemed that she was done
And stupidly I thought I’d won
This nurse was one smart cookie man
She obviously had a plan
She turned and looked me in the eyes
And snapped on cuffs to my surprise
A name tag on my arm and leg
And then a gown from off the peg!
I looked at it with disdain
This woman’s driving me insane
“Put this on” she calmly said
Listen lady, you’re off your head
I don’t wear stripes, with studs or bows
Where this has been, no one knows
I’m a “labels” girl myself
It comes from style, class and wealth
“This is designer’, she replied
“Now put it on, wear it with pride”

She made me wash my face and neck
Asked if I’d showered! Flippin’ heck!
Removed the jewellery except my ring
But then she taped the bloody thing
I s’pose at least I had my tan
Increased by the solarium

Then the anaesthetist came in
And met me with a manic grin
He talked incessantly it seemed
And all the time he beamed and beamed
Pulled on my head a bright red cap
Tied to my arm a sort of tap
So now I looked completely shocking
Then nurse produced a nylon stocking!

At this point my husband ran
Can’t stand the sight of blood my man
I punched nurse Ratshit on the nose
And strangled her with the fire hose
At least that’s what I thought I’d done
But then I woke up dazed and dumb

I had a mask upon my face
And tubes and things all over the place
My stomach hurt, I was in pain
And then they knocked me out again

I got the needle many times
I loved the needle it was divine
I wasn’t hungry and didn’t care
They’d filled my stomach up with air

I had a shower the next day
And threw that bloody gown away
Wore my own all satin and lace
Brushed my hair and did my face

The doctor came to examine me
They’d done the cholecystectomy
But unlike on the ultra sound
There were no gall stones to be found!

“What do you mean? Where could they go? ”
The doctor said, “Well, I don’t know
Perhaps they passed or just dissolved
It is a mystery unresolved”



Robina, Australia

  • Artist
  • Artwork Comments 3

Artist's Description

This was a challenge set for me by poet – Linda Treat. She asked me to write a comical poem based on my recent experience in hospital. Please don’t be deterred by its length .

Artwork Comments

  • BornToRoam
  • nonameyetaglam
  • flame7
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