Merry Christmas

I am doing alright today
Pretty good for me
Considering all the people
Gathered in my home
And still more to come tomorrow.

Times like these
Make me thankful for a room of my own
Remind me of what a good friend
These four walls have been to me
If it weren’t for this painted cave
My anxiety would eat me alive

No fingers have entered my throat
On this holy day
Leaving me uncomfortable in my own skin

I worry
For the sake of my dependency
Vomit has become my anxiety control
My brain craves the release

It was such a mystery before
Why I had turned to such a retched act
I assumed self-punishment
A sense of control
What they tell you in the books.
But the feeling today lead me to the fact
That I want pain
That I like
That I crave it like the alcoholic craves his bottle
As the early riser craves her hot mug
I’m addicted
I am an addict
To pain.

There is no cure to my
Or guilt
Quite like it
The meds only sedate me
Piling weight on my eyes only goes so far
As of this moment my lids are falling
But the stress in my veins is rising

I have a strong urge to run away
Consume everything in my path
And then explode
All to escape
To escape my fear
Of social interaction
To escape my body
To escape my problems.
Feel the pain until they all disappear from
My chaotic mind

I now see there is no cure
For my so called disease
My disease is the cure
The cycle will never end
It will spiral downward
Until I hit my grave
Landing in a feeling of peace and serenity
Because as humans
We do not know what peace is
Until our death.

Merry Christmas

Noelle S

Williamsport, United States

  • Artist

Artist's Description

I created my journal entry from last christmas into this poem.

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