Naylor

Joined February 2008

I have out walked the furthest city lights~ Robert Frost / I am a woman , Mother, sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin and...

A piece of ME....

Found myself here feeding on the visual “soulfood” that is displayed here as if my own personal buffet of Art … any flavor I want, cut to perfect bites , like my sweet friend Lawrie’s lasted posting {I VISITED THE CEMETERY..} I was hesitent to read it as I saw, honestly , the word CEMETERY only at first … last week on the 11th it has been 18 months since I last held my beautiful son in my arms… BUT even though my heart, HELL my soul , has been ripped out torn up and shoved back inside this body of mine… I find that somehow I am so filled with LOVE and COMPASSION still and I saw Lawries title and instantly thought that maybe he was hurting and needed to be reminded of how absolutely BEAUTIFUL his essence is to me, so I read………………..
His words made me think of my visits to the Cemetery to sit and talk with my son. Austin was only four months from his 16th birthday when he was killed and NOTHING has looked, felt , or seemed the same in anyway since and I don’t expect it ever will. When I had to go to the Cemetery to choose the spot where I wanted to have Austin layed to rest I chose a spot near where the trees lined the property to the left as you pull into this beautiful place of rest. Austin lays under an Oak tree (Oak trees produce acorns which are a symbol of Bravery) and a White Birch tree( White Birch trees were once known as the “bright tree” and Austins first word was Light). In the early morning he is last to feel the sun, but in late afternoon he is last to be warmed by that same sun. He is ten steps away from his Great Aunt and about the same amount of steps away from Courtney( who passed almost the exact same way and age , five yrs ago) and who’s Mom came to Austins funeral even though she didnt know me at all and had no responsiblity to be there, but did because she knew EXACTLY what I was feeling and has known since and has been there for me when noone else has. Through her pain, her loss she was still able to reach out to me….. I am still in awe of her beautiful soul. I was blown away that day when she introduced herself to me as Courtneys Mom and embraced me with such Love and Compassion , I couldnt believe how strong and how kind this woman was for comming to my sons funeral after her having to go through the exact thing four years ago then…. I get chills everytime I think about it, I’m not sure I could do that myself. Over the months I have become friends with Courtneys Mom and family, they are an amazing family and I am so comforted that my Austin is with their Courtney… I know they are together , and I know that because of my close ,close bond with my son… Courtney sometimes uses me as a “tool” if you will to deliver words of comfort and love to her Mom and the same goes for the other side. That may sound strange but its the truth !!! There are times I wake early in the morning when the skies are still dark and I grab my phone and text ((((((HUG))))))) to Courtneys Mom and later that morning I will get a text back that says " I dont know how you always know when I need one of those but thank you" …. thats just ONE example of the communication I have still with my son. I FEEL him and there are times I have heard his voice, times when I have felt that I just can’t go on anymore, he comes and embraces me.
For months I couldnt call it the Cemetery, it was Austins BED …. to say Cemetery made me gag instantly and I couldnt think of him gone. I went every day to sit with him, I would start at the Cemetery( starting at dawn) then move on to Tatnic road , (the place where Austin left this earth) for hours … then back home where I would sit in dark silence and cry. I did that for months , I felt that if I didnt I wasnt being a good Mom and I didnt want Austin to feel that he wasnt part of my life , my daily life just because he wasnt physically here. So many feelings come into play in a Mothers mind in a childs passing that is just so absolutely horrible !! I couldnt think of anything else other than that i wanted to be with Austin , I couldnt stand him being “Alone”…. I still feel that way , I wont lie…. every emotion is contridicted by another and every smile that comes feels like a betrayal and every laugh feels like forgetting and every minute that I am not with him feels like neglect …….. When the first snow came I felt like I was going to go nuts !!! The thought of my boy in the ground , covered by snow drove me CRASY and it still does , it takes alot to not go psycho and dig him up just to cover him with a blanket so that I can feel better…. It takes alot those nights when its thundering and lightning out and the rain is pouring down for me not to go put up a tent over where he is. So many things that I cant do for him or control ,,, know that he is ok and warm and not hungry and loved and not scared and not lacking (((((HUGS))))) I dont want to write these deep intimate thoughts here to bring you down my friends, I am writting them because until I went through this myself I had NO IDEA at all ……. therefore it was hard for me to reach out to someone who was going through this kind of heartwrenching loss and I NEED to share ME with YOU ……. that connection with others is essential to living. Time for a breather….. (((HUG)))

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