Joined February 2008

I have out walked the furthest city lights~ Robert Frost / I am a woman , Mother, sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin and...

TIME ... in my oppinion

Five years …. I just can’t believe its been that long already.
All I can think is that I haven’t done enough to keep his memory alive.
If I was to say that to someone , their response would be one like " Of course you have ! Austin knows how much you love him."
Does he???? How do you know? Have you spoken to him and asked him that? Interesting, the things we say when trying to comfort another.
I know that people try to say things to help comfort or express sympathy, empathy and understanding … for that I have been so very thankful … although I find it even more interesting that as TIME started to go by all those people faded away and turned into people I never knew and for some I wouldn’t ever want to.
GRIEF…. yes everyone handles it differently
yes the fog will lift
yes EVERYTHING changes … perspective will never be the way it “used to be”

The most common thing I have heard is that the pain will fade… the sadness will fade and you won’t think about “It” all the time, Just give yourself TIME.
It’s not the truth.
TIME has gone by… I have counted each and every day since 9-11-10.
Every year I find myself going through a count down of days, remembering the things that happened and the things that were said , what clothing were worn and what the weather was like the week before right up to the minute I opened my front door at 6am that morning to find four police officers on my steps. PTSD … yes !!
The horrific event, the shock is felt five years later, just as intensely. Some say it’s unhealthy and for some maybe it is … But it’s how I am handling my grief. I have come very far from that place where I had to live in my driveway in a tent because I just couldn’t walk into my home and see his things and smell his smell…….my boy. TIME doesn’t ease any of that …. TIME teaches you to learn how to be very aware of how you look and how you act. It teaches you to learn how to give people what they want in the sense of what they are comfortable with. To not always be honest in the rawest form with most. As much as people want to comfort , they will run far far away to not have to except the horror that this kind of thing really DOES happen and could happen to them.

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