Navigator

Austin, United States

I have spent most of my career as a French professor and a research librarian, and have been reinventing myself as a writer. I’m...

Weird Void

Today has been a rather strange day, but full of revelations. Strange, in that I felt no compulsion to take photos, so I didn’t even take one. This is a first for the past few years, I guess. I always take at least one on my way to a bus stop or on my way to lunch or some such. But today, zero, zip, nada, niente, rien, nothing. I know some of you are disappointed, but some of you might be relieved. ;) haha. And I don’t know why, but for the past few days, I’ve felt a kind of void. Not a total void, but a sense of being finished with something, and not feeling the need to take any pictures. When I looked at my astrological commentary for the day, it said, “In the morning, the Moon will be void, and you will not be able to start anything new, but in the afternoon, the Moon will move into I think Gemini, and you will be able to finish projects you have already started.” Well, I didn’t finish any project except for the yummy chicken, tomato and avocado fajitas which I had prepared at lunch. They were just as yummy at dinner.

Perhaps the picture void is partly due to the fact that we’ve already had several triple digit days, the second one being today. But the temperatures in general have remained in the 90’s daytime highs. I’ve noticed the ground is cracking again, and the flowers of Spring are gone. It’s a sad sight. I can now see the bunny trails in the dying Firewheel (Indian Blanket) stalks, and it is no longer “trillig in the slighty toves” and the “mumraths” no longer “outgabe”. And I haven’t seen the Jabberwock in quite some time. But wait…I think I’m going off on a tangent….

It’s not that I have ennui…exactly. I’m not sure what it is. It’s kind of like being in no woman’s land…and being a woman. Weird. Perhaps I’ve been having an out-of-body experience. Yet, I carried all my groceries home, so I don’t think that could possibly be true. And I honestly don’t know whether to be happy or sad…. Weird. Maybe I’m just moving toward zero gravity and becoming totally weightless….but…no…not happening….I still weigh…something.

Another part of the void had to do with an episode at the bank. I didn’t think there was another one of those left, but this woman came up to the bank and stepped ahead of me in the line. She looked down her nose at me as she did so. I was just finishing up my withdrawal slip. Then when she stepped up to the window, she began talking in Spanish to the clerk, laughing about the harassment I was experiencing and made some comment about them trying to make me “sing”, and had I “sung” yet. She indicated she thought it was very funny. While she was laughing and saying such foul things, the clerks behind the counter, who knew I spoke Spanish were alternately cringing and emitting nervous giggles under their breaths. For my part, I was experiencing several things at once. First, I had an AHA! moment, understanding once and for all what they thought they were doing. So I owed her for that. Secondly, I was strangely calm and highly ticked off at the same time. I tried giving her a dirty look, but she didn’t even look in my direction as she so foolishly ran her mouth. I know I sometimes have done the same thing, running my mouth as the person I was running was standing right behind me. I’ve basically tried to overcome that fault. No success yet, but I’m still trying….basically. No, really, I just don’t gossip like that any more. :P Then the woman running her mouth tried to draw the clerk into her scorn of me. The clerk kind of smirked and quickly squashed it, refusing to respond. At least now that she knew I spoke Spanish. I could just imagine the conversations that went BEFORE this morning, though.

So ya want me ta SING, do ya? La-la-la-dee-dee-dee-dee-humm-hummm. Here’s the story, ya dirty little rat! They sold the story to the papahs, and it was all lies! Ya heah me, Rocky? It was all lies! I never put those chicken eggs in the bunny’s nest, and it ain’t my fault the chicken pecked off all the bunny’s fur! Just get another danged bunny! And take that chicken out of the bunny’s nest, fer God’s sake! Any more questions?

I’m not sure what “song” they want to hear, but I suspect it ain’t one I know. In fact, I don’t think that song exists anywhere in the universe. Any damned fool can figger this out when the whole campaign was kicked off with events such as a supervisor coming to your office several times (the only times in history) to say sarcastically, “It isn’t who you REALLY are that matters; it’s who people THINK you are that matters!” And then there was the insecticide flap, when it was sprayed in my car at lunch, and therefore flung in my face by the A/C when I started it up again. Then I was greeted at the door by several maintenance men yelling, “PEST CONTROL! HAHAHA! PEST CONTROL!” And then there was the chalkboard in the cafeteria illustrating Sylvester choking Tweety Bird. I ain’t a bird. I guess they were saying I had done too much singin’ already. But just to my friends and just the usual BS anyone talks about. I wasn’t trying to overthrow the government or the Commissioner or anything.

Now I admit I had been into “conspiracy theories” previous to that, but only talking to my friends. I got it all from books, and a bit from the internet. It was just a passing interest. Nor did I ever intend for it to go anywhere. But after so many years, and no ceasefire, I figure one of those damned theories must have been correct. I don’t know which one. And maybe not at all. I did hear later the harassment was “political”, and that I had “ratted on the boss”. I did? That’s not something I normally do. One thing I did do was to attempt to save my job from a ruthless woman by documenting some fake stuff she tried to pass off to personnel. I had tons of witnesses to the event. She was demoted. So perhaps that’s what they were talking about. Then there was the guy I had dated, who turned out to be a con artist and a small time actor in Little Theatre productions. So I heard from so many sources it was mind boggling. I dropped him, but he tried to turn any little thing I had ever said into something completely different. He admitted he was being paid, but at that point, I already knew it. Whatever the case, had it not been for many friends and informants, I would never have had a clue as to what was going on. But I still had some doubts as to the motives. For a long time, I thought it was a psychobabble game. In part, I think it was. At least that’s how they started out. But as things transpired, I believe they decided they could milk it for more. Stories abounded. I was made out to be a prostitute, a thief, a criminal of all sorts, insane. I was nothing of the sort. I’ve never been any of those things in my entire life, nor am I now, nor will I be in the future. I WAS pretty hyper for a while after all the destruction that was wrought.

I was amazed at the shocking things said to me, but I have to say the one about the determined, pre-conceived lying campaign was the one that shocked me the most, and as they hoped, I never forgot it. After that, I knew what was coming. And it was all revenge for talking to my friends.

So whatever is said, it’s probably not true, or so twisted out of truth as to be a lie. I couldn’t even “sing” to anything unless I knew the real story, which will undoubtedly never surface. You cannot create what does not exist. You can only lie. Though it destroyed my entire life, I bear no grudges. I have turned my attention to eternity, which is coming for everyone of us…at some time or other. I think it’s time to make peace with this whole thing, though that probably won’t happen. There are too many misunderstandings and deliberate falsehoods. And in the end, I have to admit that I may still totally misunderstand the whole thing myself. So the only song I can sing is Ya Don Unnastan an I Don Eithah! Weird.

Journal Comments