Supermarket Shopping for Dummies (or at least about Dummies)

There are many skills and talents that humans long to acquire. Those of us motivated enough may work hard and attain excellence in areas such as ballroom dancing, sewing, writing movie scripts, growing prize pumpkins, or perhaps making home-made bombs. Others may reach dizzying heights by learning about what it takes to be an acrobat, a mad scientist, a stuntman slash woman, or a kung-fu expert. There is an endless supply of amazing, exciting and even life-changing hobbies and pastimes to enrich our lives.

For some though, it is too much hard work; there’s too much learning, listening and hassle involved – there are simply not enough hours in the day. What with cooking, cleaning, going to work, picking the kids up from the footy, grocery shopping… now grocery shopping though… that’s a talent in itself. Lately I have noticed that there are many talented shoppers out there that we could all learn a thing or two from… that is if we wish to learn how to be STUPID and ANNOYING.

Some individuals, I’m sure have concentrated so hard on being foolish and frustrating that they simply no longer have the energy to try their hand at origami or massage. To give you an idea of some of the skills they have perfected, I shall share with you the ancient art of being a moron at the supermarket.

STEP ONE: (don’t allow space)
Don’t let the presence of other human beings bother you one bit – make sure you take up the whole width of the aisle you’re in by putting your trolley right in the middle of the aisle and sticking your butt up in the air while you try to find that bag of peanuts at the bottom of the shelves. If you are on the move with your trolley, make sure to stop suddenly and abruptly every five minutes so that whoever’s behind you at the time can smash into you. It’s sure to win you attention

STEP TWO: (Bratty children)
If you have bratty children, make sure to let them run riot in the shop. Everyone loves a screaming child, especially those little tykes that run past as you’re turning a tricky corner with your trolley, smash their head into the trolley and then call you a beeping beep for having dared be in their way.

STEP THREE: (credit card)
Don’t ever use or even realise you own a credit card until you go to pay for your groceries. Turn the shiny card over and over in your hands, and wonder “What is this?”
Make sure to have no idea of where it came from or what it could possibly be. Make sure that there are all kinds of problems with the card so that you can stay and make friends with the checkout girl slash guy. Other shoppers just love waiting behind you forever, smiling at the moment of bonding between you, your credit card and the friendly Coles employee.

Having said all that though, I must admit, I have the tendency to be one of the annoying shoppers…possibly.

It’s not my fault, but I feel that at least a couple of times, I have probably been mistaken for a stalker. This is how it happens: you really need a tray of diced lamb, say. So you go to look at the lamb but alas, it is not diced. A young fellow looks on also at said undiced lamb. So you move along to the diced goods, only to find that the same young, good-looking man is right there with the desired lamb.
Oh, but it is diced pork, not lamb. So you move to the left a little more and… he’s already there! Like a flash of lightning! You grab your diced lamb and hit the aisles… hoping you haven’t frightened the poor chap too much.
Five minutes later you realise you have a craving for something abstract like beef jerky on a stick, so you go to the darkest, most inaccessible corner of the supermarket where it is situated and… he’s there! Can anyone say ‘restraining order’?

(8 items or less)
Also, I’ve heard people say how dumb it is for shoppers to queue up in the eight items or less aisle, despite the fact that other lines may well be shorter and moving faster. I think it’s a psychological thing: I was never a maths whiz, but I subconsciously figure in my head: twenty people in a line with eight items OR EVEN LESS compared to two or three people in a line with possibly one thousand items each.

These people may well be feeding an entire third world country: there is no limit on the amount of things they can take through. And if they can’t figure out how to swipe their credit cards… you could miss ALL your shows. You don’t wanna mess with those lines; the risk is way too high. Safer to stay in the eight-items-or-less aisle.

So maybe I’m not the most intelligent shopper either. Still, those other shoppers are ridiculous, and their logic is just not as sensible as mine. I guess that’s what mice think when they’re frantically running around in a maze, bumping into other mice. The grey mouse flits about, getting nowhere, all the while thinking, “That white mouse is a fool!” whilst the white mouse wonders why he has to work with such imbeciles!

So to break it down: make sure to NOT LEAVE ROOM FOR ANYONE TO GET PAST YOU

Ensure you TAKE A LONG TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT A CREDIT CARD DOES WHILE YOURE AT THE CHECKOUT

And if youre like me, feel free to STALK PEOPLE WHEN YOU GET BORED
And only stray from the eight or items or less aisle if you HAVE A LARGE FAMILY.

Happy Grocery Shopping!!

Supermarket Shopping for Dummies (or at least about Dummies)

Michelle Rogers

Joined April 2007

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