i forgive you

i wonder if you ever repented
of the sin
that made you hate me
years ago,
i had loved you

i wanted to forgive you,

even when i saw
through the dust of your
eyes,
anger
the crumbling feelings
of your flesh
i looked through cracked pieces
of a rejected heart
impaled
by the vices of men

i held onto God
as a child

blood flowed back into my brain
senses returned
i knew,
yet i wanted to forgive
your thoughts
intents and discourse
of me
the rubbish
your misogynist attitude
towards me,

but i loved you
with a child on the way,
i wanted it to work

God knows i begged
to forgive you,
in the quiet
cathedrals
where i held
on to that naive
love,

even when
the thorns
of your indifference
squeezed blood
from my soul

even when i told you
i was with child
your child,
you shrugged
me off
my aching hand
you tore from your own
as if to break up
with me then,
forever,
with a child so small
floating inside
a still flat stomach

with many tears
the shard
of your cruel words
i don’t know if i’ll be around
punctured
the hope
i had of us,

trembling before The Lord
i fought to forgive you.

and when
you finally
abandoned me with our child
twenty weeks in my womb

when desperation
seemed to eat me alive
clawing not even reaching
for you,

i began to swallow my forgiveness
gulped it greedily

for months i lay prostrate
my weeping face given to God
plastered eyes
against the dirty flesh of my hatred
the joy i should have felt
was choked
dying
spitting blood,
into a pillow
smothered over
to stuff the anguish
i hid my heart
so pierced by your betrayal,

Jesus whispered,
“I was betrayed by those I loved.”

that night,
my stripes
He gently bandaged
from head to foot,
the wounds He bound
with open hands
His oil of Love,
opened inside
Holy Spirit
overflowed
and i melted
with warm tingles
the rage
dissipated
and i didn’t hate you
i forgot you
in those nights
God remembered me
soothing the child
inside

more weeks
and she grew
a child so preoccupied
hands and feet
flushing out of me
throwing tantrums
in the suite of my body
the room the Lord prepared
for her,
i always called your daughter
Emma,
you told me,

it was an old lady’s name

frankly,
i didn’t care,
she was mine,
the gift despite my sin
God’s Grace despite my shame
The Lovingkindness
to a fallen saint
lifted up by her Shepherd
in darkness i wept
banshee tears
roaring in deep despair
The Lord took the seas
of my heart blown
open
by the torment
He gave me scriptures
in my sleep
gave me rest from
demon hands
that wrestled
and twisted at my
limbs
Jesus whispered
me into a lull
sang the child
within lullbyes

“i forgive you”
though you never once
said you were sorry
never once called me
after you kissed the bangs
on my forehead,
i wanted to scream
when you glibly
added,
“i have a new girlfriend”,
humiliation shribbled me
into an old piece of gum
you destroyed,
you had said,
“you loved Jesus”
i would have married you
had you asked me,
when you didn’t

Jesus swept me up,
i must have fainted
in the wilderness
one set of footprints
in the sand,
With a Firm
voice,
filled with Love,
asked me not to look back
in prayers,
like a fool,
i begged the Lord to open
your heart
i rent my garments
before His Throne,
you never called,
my first baby
your second,
Jesus was my lifeline

My Rock
My Rock
My Rock

i lay
my bulging belly
underneath
heavier
this burden of unforgiveness

i forgive you
when she began
to force her body
reason denied
i hoped you would
be there

Jesus said,
“I’m sorry”.
I Promise
I will be her Father
“I am a father to the fatherless.”

i crushed my momma’s hand
squeezed the love out of it,
but i forgive you,
when the doctor stitched
me up,

i remembered,
how you lost my number
when i first gave it to you
i forgave you then,
scribbled it over
slipped it into your warm
grasp

the enemy who wanted
to steal motherhood,
when the lady at the clinic,
seemed to salivate
with a twisted mouth
“if i wanted an abortion.”
Jesus intervened
in an hour when vultures
hovered over unborn flesh

others suggested the same,

suddenly i was a body
floating in the womb
of space,

prayer paralized me,
i begged Jesus
to help me forgive
the incision
you left

When Emma
smiled as a newborn,
her crooked smile
i heard the still small
voice of God inside
who told me,
“I forgive you.”

Thank-you Lord.

i forgive you

Matty B. Duran

Joined July 2009

  • Artist
    Notes
  • Artwork Comments 19

Artist's Description

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
(Matthew 6:14-15)

“Now hope does not disappoint, because the Love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
(Romans 5:5)

When I wrote this I was remembering if I really forgave you when I went through being pregnant without you. You, meaning the biological father of my child Emma. It might have seemed easier in the poem, than it actually was. But, I knew I wanted to forgive you and that I couldn’t hate you when I was having your child. Later, you didn’t matter anymore. I think this was the point. I believe the person I had the hardest time forgiving was myself. God healed me so I could receive His Forgiveness.
The Grace God gave me was so much bigger than myself. The Mercy He has is tremendous. Even though I didn’t deserve a blessing after i had sinned, He still blessed me with my daughter Emma.

Artwork Comments

  • Ann  Warrenton
  • Matty B. Duran
  • abigcat
  • Matty B. Duran
  • Betty Smith_Voce
  • Matty B. Duran
  • MaryMac
  • Matty B. Duran
  • DominicSavio
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  • fotoflossy
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  • vigor
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  • Rishani Sittampalam
  • Matty B. Duran
  • vigor
  • Matty B. Duran
  • vigor
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