Matty B. Duran

Joined July 2009

I am a servant of The Lord Jesus Christ. He is my Saviour and Lord. I am also a Christian mother who loves The Lord Jesus Christ. My...

Not understanding God

I have always given and wanted to give gifts of the heart to those I ’ve loved. Love has been for me more than I could give. A greater expression than I was capable of expressing, and I would collapse for I paled in the awe of its presence. But now I wanted to live up to what true love expected.

Even today, I am incapable of being in the presence of God. I shrink back from real communion, because I suffer greatly now. Nothing has happened to me in a while. Instead of go forth, I seem to fail at everyday living, getting along with mom and of raising my child with a firm hand. I am afraid of the life I must live. I haven’t preached in awhile, and am afraid to do so. All my life I’ve wanted acceptance, and love, but I’ve never really found it.

I am a “misfit”, an outcast, and my soul has had to carry this burden consciously for over 30 years. Many time I’ve wanted to “die”, literally die because I am “different”. The difference on the inside made me different on the outside. I could never really hide the “misfit” that I was and still am.

But I’ve always had to be true, and I’ve always believed in kindness and love, in honesty, and truth. I’ve always wanted to live up to the standards of truly caring for others of really living my life with integrity.

And even though I’ve been a Christian for over 15 years now I still fall so short. I don’t yield to God as a I should. I am still “wounded” by the Lord’s apparent indifference. I have been physically untouched for years. In all honesty I feel worthless as a woman, unattractive and just a pile of “rubbish”.

My soul knows I cannot change this at times “intolerable” situation, but I cannot stop fighting. Though I may not love daily and not yield to God.

Ultimately God promised I would be victorious, for I am through Jesus Christ. And I know someday I shall feel the victory.

What things defeat me? Alot. Gary (my daughter’s father) never wanted to see Emma. I feel as though I have tried, and I’ve prayed with all the passion inside me for him to be a father to her. My heart suffers for Emma’s loss. It’s been awhile since I’ve prayed as I should. How can I? In the past several years I have felt that God is not interested in my life, my problems, or my needs.

How can I preach when this is how I have felt? I would feel like a hypocrite telling people to trust God to give them eternal life when I don’t trust him to meet my needs in this life.

It’s been years, and God has seemingly blessed everyone I know around me. Doesn’t my heart still beat? Doesn’t my mind feel confused? Am I still not a woman who needs what other women need?

Yet, I fight to stay pure, even in my thoughts, but estranged from God even in feeling, makes everything much more difficult.

I feel “numb” and I’ve been tempted to make a hole in my flesh and let it bleed just not to feel how I feel. In reality I know a deep wound will not satisfy me.

Journal Comments

  • Retroeight
  • Matty B. Duran
desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait
desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait