Mr Splish Splosh

I was up North at the weekend visiting family and doing a bit of ‘will buffing’ (that’s forcing yourself to be nice to your cantankerous parent, with profit in mind). I was sat by the sea, thinking about the credit crunch (what credit crunch?), Swine Flu (LOL), and lots of other human created mistakes.
I then asked myself ‘what was the most ‘pathetic’ thing humans would, given ‘will freedom’ as a ‘gift’ from a beautiful, amazed God, be capable of’?
The thing that came to my mind included the law, the economy (God), and several other crazy states of behaviour. Probably set a few years in the future, but not ‘that’ far?
Frankie Lassut
Please don’t forget to laugh

The breeze from the sea blew just above ‘gently’ in his face.
It was Saturday, and Marcus Jones was really really fed up.
He’d lost his business, and with it his wife, who, when she realised what had happened to Marcus’s successful software company (he designed computer games), had upped and left with a man who owned a debt collection company, who could easily maintain the style to which she had become accustomed.
He sighed, lowered his head into his hands, and cried.
The sea breeze continued to blow.

Weatherwise it wasn’t a bad day, and the sea was just a little choppy. A few fishermen stood with their rods, in a line along the tide’s edge, about 200 yards from each other, and a young boy and his dad tried to get a kite in the air. That made in total, several happy people and one sat at the top of pebbled beach the on the grassy bank, who was ready to top himself.
The usual low vibration despair thoughts went through his head ‘why me?!’, ‘that bitch!’ ‘That bastard!’ ‘What am I going to do now? I’ve lost everything!’ ‘God you bastard! What did I ever do wrong to anybody to deserver this?!’ ‘My life’s over!’…etc. God didn’t reply of course; but then ‘it’ did… or did it?


Marcus lifted his head that quickly from his hands, he nearly gave himself whiplash. An idea had whizzed into his mind so lightning fast he heard the whoosh! It was like getting hit in the face by a baseball bat, minus the pain of course.
It was that poweful and intoxicating a notion, that the fishermen and the kite flyer and everything else faded into obscurity, and the idea took bright visual priority.
The sea just carried on innocently going splish splosh. As it always had.

“Say all that again would you please” asked the bemused looking lawyer the next Monday morning. Marcus had marched into the office looking so desperate and excited, the lawyer had decided to see him without an appointment.

“I have come to believe, for my own convenience, that all mankind is decended from Adam and Eve, and whether that means were all here because of incest as stated in the bible, well, that’s neither here nor there as far as my claim goes.
The sea is water, and water is made, like everything else, from energy, and that energy is a Divine creation as God created the earth and then the two people.
Now, as God created the ocean, and God knows everything thats ever happened, is happening, and is going to happen, which obviously includes everyone who has ever drowned. That was therefore pre meditated murder, and, as everyone who drowned is related to me,… ‘patent copyright applied for’… no one else can sue. I’m sueing the sea for all the treasure from its floor, with the extra demand that the sea, because of its terrible crimes, be jailed for life. This will clear all the seawater away, so that then I can go and pick up MY treasure”

“Would life mean ‘life’ for the sea in this case Mr Jones?”

“Absolutely it would, or as long as it took me to pick all the treasure up; round about 30 years I reckon, which is ‘life times ten’ anyway as far as the law is concerned. It would also mean life for all the sea creatures”

“Why would that be Mr Jones?”

“Why sir, aiding and abetting of course”

“Aiding and abetting?”

“Yes. The sea kills, and then the creatures eat the bodies. It’s hiding the evidence isn’t it?”

“What about those who are washed up? Or found floating?”

“Their deaths are put down to drowning of course, but no one gets punished, and that doesn’t satisfy the addictive craving of the masses. My lawsuit will sell newspapers and give the public what they want; someone to ‘hate’. It helps them to get rid of their anger and stresses, and gives them something to rant about in the pub; make a change from the weather and the govenment don’t you think?”

“I do yes. I’m going to offer my services to you Mr Jones. So, you want to take the sea to Crown Court and accuse it of murder, and you’re also going to sue it for all the treasure which actually belonged to your relatives as proved by the bible? Do I understand correctly Mr Jones?”

The lawyer did understand correctly. She also understood that Marcus had a patent pending copyright on the idea that everyone was his relative, as they must be if the whole game was started with ‘the’ two, and no one elses, which actually supported the general religious and government belief and wish that everyone else, apart from Marcus Jones of couse, were ‘seperate’ entities, which worked perfectly in a hate, divide, and rule system of society. In fact, Marcus too was separate in that respect, but, ‘he’ was legally related to ‘everyone’ and his family tree was phoenomenally huge, comapred to everyone elses ‘bush’ that is.
Marcus was going to be vomitingly rich because of his new intellectual property.
Everyone else of course were related to their families which were traceable ‘so far’ back, except that, they were related to Adam and Eve in Sin only, not blood, and were so required to feel very bad about being born ‘bad’.
Everyone in a human guise, except Marcus of course, was stained, as he could prove that he would never have picked the apple and certainly not bitten it as he was allergic to them; his doctor backed this fact. he also said, thet if he had of been there, he would have grassed them up. Ordinary humans? Their very souls were polluted, but they couldn’t Google the Adam and Eve ‘blood’ proof on their family trees.


How do you take the sea and all sealife which eats dead humans, and all other sealife who depend on other members of the sealife community which depend on each other i.e. the foodchain, to Crown Court, to answer on several million (at least) cases of murder, hiding the bodies internally, and possession of stolen treasure, with special emphasis on the Titanic, and especially that film about the two people who went on a diving trip and were left behind by the boat and got eaten by aiding and abetting sharks? In fact, if the sharks ate them before they drowned, and the sharks could be identified, they would get life for premeditated murder anyway….that’s the Law! Diminished responsibility would not be taken onto consideration as sharks cannot be sectioned in a mental health unit (unless they had a swimming pool no one used?). Commoner class sharks were NOT above the law of humans, and if they couldn’t be traced, two, or three, or four, or however many necessary to prove beyond reasonable doubt a multi shark feeding frenzy had taken place illseagully, they would be taken in and questioned.
‘Be warned shark, anything you say may be taken down….etc

It was decided that the sea would be put in the dock in a seven foot by four foot glass case, which would have iron bars in the glass to prevent any wet escape attempts. The cage would be put on uneven rollers to make waves, in order to give it soul and not make it appear stagnant and lifeless. It would be known as Mr Splish Splosh, as Mr Sea was too close to ‘Mysticism’ or ‘Mystery’, and therefore not real and therefore science proved ‘mumbo jumbo’ as anything that couldn’t be seen did not exist, which is in fact, Law.
If you the reader would like to check this out. The church and science have been divided for a couple of hundred of years now over the soul and the body. Science ‘owns’ the body, and cannot accept anything non physical as it cannot be measured, and the church owns the soul and the mind, neither of which incidentally cannot be measured either, only the mind can be ‘controlled’; science has more chance of measuring what can’t be measured, but it is blind and set in its ways anyway.
Psychics work on the unseen (by a physical eye that is), but have to now display their work as ‘entertainment only’, which I think is fabulous. But they just get ‘mad’.
I believe that religion is for comedy entertainment only too, and that that should be written on bibles… That would be a great law!


The sea, or Mr Splish Splosh, or, a representative part of Mr Splish Splosh was put in a glass aquarium (aquari-cell) with iron bars embedded into the glass so it couldn’t escape and harm anyone in a drowning sort of way, or make them wet and uncomfortable, in the courtroom, or beyond. Nevertheless, Health and Safety demanded that lifebelts be hung in the courtroom, and a lifeboat be placed in front of the judge; just in case.

The case began, in a flurry of publicity.

Everytime the prosecution asked a question, the caged sea went ‘splish splosh splish splosh, with the occasional gurgle’. This gave it no chance, as there was no interpreter who could translate the language of Mr Splish Splosh. If there had o been an interpreter, they would have got the secret of all creation, including human’s creative lives, off Mr Splish Splosh, which is???
The path of least resistance, which means, everything water does is ‘effortless’, but everything humans do requires stress and coronary creating…hard work. In other words, Mr Splish Splosh is great at teaching the law of Attraction, yet few listen to the Splish Splosh (or even the occasional gurgle).

The defence? There was no defence, for who could defend against the huge sin committed by Adam and Eve which rendered the human race bad and destined for Hell. Except for Marcus Jones of course, because he was allergic to apples and a direct descendent of Adam and Eve, and he would have grassed on them, clearing him of the crime of original Sin.
This was also looked upon from the perspective that everyone who ever drowned was bad and deserving and went to Hell for some eternal strife, but, the law said that ‘some’ of them were guilty according to ‘the law’, and the influence of Adam and Eve, when getting mixed with the law could add influence and ruin the whole pathetic game and stop them being locked up if the right defence lawyer appeared. And as a result, Adam and Eve were ordered to stay in the church building and not enter the courthouses, except in the sidelines, in the case of Mr Marcus Jones versus Mr Splish Splosh (with the occasional gurgle).
I hope you followed that, because I didn’t.

The arguments went on and got boring, and the wooden seats got hard on bums.
However, after three years, the jury were sent out, and debated for six months, and then came out with a verdict.

Mr Splish Splosh was found guilty of multiple counts of premeditated murder, with special emphasis on the Titanic, where Splish Splosh had ‘currently’ deliberately placed icebergs in the path of the ship, and then deliberately froze everyone to death (that was a lie, but Mr Splish Splosh couldn’t argue). Military cases were also taken into account, for drowning our protectors after they had had their ships bown up by missiles fired by the enemy who bought them off our government…
But that’s business and that’s war (at the end of the day, just after we don’t know we’re born).
The Indianapolis which was sank on July 30th 1945 saw 500 American servicemen eaten by sharks. The guilty sharks are now being hunted, and will be dealt with in the same manner as Mr Splish Splosh. It was seen as a waste of time hunting them if Mr Splish Splosh (with the occasonal gurgle) was to be put in jail, as the sharks would be easy to catch then; but, the law is the law.

It was a double whammy for Marcus. He became owner of all his relatives treasure on the Mr Splish Splash’s floor, and, what’s more, Mr Splish Splash was jailed for life, in solitary confinement for its dispicable and horrendous crimes. It was to be locked up (in Sand Quentin?) for life! 25 years, with an appeal after 10 if its behaviour was impeccable and it didn’t wet anyone in spite.

The Sentence.

This was a difficult one. Where to lock up Mr Splish Splosh (with the occcasional gurgle)?
Build a massive wall around all the oceans, with doors so that family could visit? Who were family? Everyone? So, why build a wall?
But, wait a minute….solitary confinement wasn’t it? No visitors! And, wait a minute, we’re not all family, we’re seperate entities, and only Marcus was entitled!
Ok cool. marcus can go to see Mr Splish Splosh, but, what if Mr Splish Splosh didn’t want to see Marcus? Would you?
Solitary confinement it was, for such a dangerous and remorseless criminal. The world found it hard to believe that water cpould be so cold and cruel! Mr Splish Splosh would get everything it deserved! It made the crime of naming a teddy bear Mohammed seem like something an innocent child would do!

It was decided by government, who jumped in on the act, to build many many massive space rockets, and send the sea into orbit, in huge glass iron barred aquari-cells.
In the meantime, because the elite government wanted the working class either suppressed or killed (Credit Crunch and Swine flu had failed by this time and they had to lock themselves away to avoid public lynchings… Google the French Revolution. LOL!). And so, while the rockets were built to hold the aquari cells, certain sections of society were told that it was against the law to drink, as that was supporting a criminal by ‘bodily’ hiding incrimanating evidence held in molecules of shark and crab shit which could be anywhere, and also hold bits of people murdered by drowning. The people who were hit by this were scared to drink water in case they fell victim to the law, and as a last ditch attempt, tried to say that the water came from lakes and rivers. They were counteracted by a top government lawyer who brought up sub section one subby subby section 3 paragraph 20 of sub section 7, which said, evaporation was random, and so, their argument was made totally invalid, which was laughable really (but only to Oxford and Cambridge grads and similarly clever people who liked to ridicule lesser beings)
Millions died of dehydration, which they preferred instead of jail and bread and holy water (which was ok)… that’s the power of fear.

In the end, from far our in outer space, the earth looked very much like Saturn, except the rings around the earth were constructed of large barred glass tanks of Mr Splish Splosh, together with dead sea life. The rings glittered beautifully on the Sun, and the whole thing looked like a posh, richly spectrumed Pink Floyd album cover.

If you are reading this from another planet millions of years from now (you never know), or just a few years from now and you were a baby when your folks left with you, remember this. I don’t know if you can see dark lifeless planet with glittery rainbow rings round it from where you are, with the technology you have, but know this. It was once beautiful. It was blue and green and it had the most amazing wispy things covering part of its surface. They were called clouds, and they were made from a gorgeous thing called water vapour. This came from things like rivers lakes and seas; all names for collections of water molecules. You could sail on them, swim in them, drink them (you were made of the same thing!). Water made you ‘feel good’, which was your only wish…
What am I going on about?! If you can read this, you know, because the chances are your ancestors, or present parents(?) came from here, and you yourself are made of water. So, you must be looking from a planet with water?
The man who enabled you to be where you are now was called Marcus, but he was simply the trigger that signalled the beginning of the end for the human species via war over greed and power etc, which didn’t last long, because everything died due to the lack of water which was now orbiting the planet. We tried to get it back, but the law said NO!
Why is the water in space?
Well, you see.
There was lots of yummy treasure on the sea bed, and even though Marcus claimed it by copyright and had the sea emptied so he could get to the booty, others thought they would too, and that’s when the fighting started, over coloured clear stones and metal etc. If you ever get to visit the dry earth and you find a skeleton with it’s arm around a treasure chest…that’s likely him. He died of thirst… a thirst which he created himself, and with a little help from his contemporaries.

Wherever you are and ‘whatever’ you are now?

Love to you (please don’t make the same mistakes we did)


I bet you forgot to laugh

Did you spot the economy boosters?
The building of the solitary holding tanks tanks (jobs)
‘I’m with Marcus’ T shirts
‘Mr Splish Splosh is a stinkin murderer!’ T shirts
‘I hate Mr Splish Splosh’ T shirts.
FCUK Mr Splish Splosh T shirts.
Rocket building (supported several different industries)
TV News
Marcus dolls
Mr Splish Splosh transparent money boxes
etc…. (Laugh!)

Mr Splish Splosh

Frankie Lassut

Coventry, United Kingdom

  • Artist


sea law lawyer

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