Inside Myself

been tryin’ to live someone else’s life
but i don’t wanna be someone else for you
been looking for love in all the wrong places
maybe i’ll find it by freak chance or luck
doubtful

i could love you just like you want
but i don’t know if i want to
i could love you just like you want
but you won’t let me

have i been searching for the one for me
or have i been searching for anyone for me
afraid to be without you
or afraid to be alone

need to love ourselves
before we can love eachother
how can i love myself
when i’m not even good enough
for you to love me

don’t worry
i won’t be that girl
i could never be that girl
not to you

thrown away everyone i was perfect to
can’t be perfect to the one i want to

i need to be alone
to figure myself out
i’ve never been alone
i feel so alienated from myself

been searching for life
to find my soulmate
or maybe just someone
to be a companion

maybe i’ve been searching too hard
maybe i’m tired of searching
been coming up with nothing for too long
lack of results equals lack of confidence

feeling unloved
feeling alone
feeling nothing at all
feeling jaded

wish i could be feeling
wish i knew what it is that i am feeling
wish someone could help me feel something
wish i wasn’t so numb

i’m tired of being what i see
tired of the masks
tired of trying to have
what everyone else has

tired of thinking
hey love will come in time
tired of caring when it will come
tired of trying to be the girl you loved before
i’m not the perfect girl
i’m tired of trying to keep up that image

i want to cry
i want to scream
i want to feel
i want you to want me for who i am
not who you think i could be
not for who you may think i am

i’m not surface level
i’m not skin deep
there’s so much more to me
that you’ve never even seen
but you don’t want to see it
it’s been so long
since someone has really known me
that’s what i really want

just when i get a glimpse of perfection
it’s ripped away
just a tease
no such thing as happily ever after
not for me
not yet

because i am not that perfect girl
i know when you don’t love me
i know that you never will

one thing i don’t know
how to admit when i’m scared
but i am
scared to death

please don’t use me
please love me for all of me
not just what you see
not just what i let you see
real love sees deeper
real love sees what i try to hide
what makes me feel weak

please do not make me cry again
i can’t deal with that anymore
please love me for all of me
or don’t love me at all

i’m scared of you
i can’t deal with being loved all half-assed again
and i can’t love you half-assedly
just tell me if you don’t care
tell me right now
don’t let me believe there’s more to what you feel
i’d rather know the truth
than assume what is not true

i have my faults
i have my weaknesses
all pent up in my head
my fear eats away at me
every time i am with you
you don’t really love me
and i could never make you
that’s something you have to do on your own
and i know you never will
because you don’t even try to understand
what’s beneath the surface
20,000 leagues under my appearance
what really haunts me
fear of never finding love again
because i threw it away the one true time i found it
fear of being hurt again

all i want to do is cry
but i can’t
i can’t feel anything at all
nothing but this fear
that eats away at the inside of me
the only thing i feel
the thing that drives my life
and my emotions

you can’t be with me
because you are too afraid
as am i
but i think you’ve seen me
for more than face value
and i think it scares you
because we have such similar fears
because we could be so good
and that scares me too
i’m so scared to really give myself to someone
because last time i did it was thrown back at me
and i don’t want to pick myself up off the ground
all battered and beaten again
i’d rather keep mself here inside

thrown down so many times
terrified of it happening again
so we hide ourselves from eachother
even though there really is no need

Inside Myself

mfreitas

Warren, United States

  • Artist
    Notes

Artist's Description

This is a piece that I wrote a quite awhile back, during my senior year in high school. It’s basically about two completely different relationships (or the lack thereof) so if any of the segments sound conflicting, that would be why. i was deal with different parts of each at the same time.

oh… the joys of being a tormented teenage girl. hehe.

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